Testimony - Fifth Sunday

Today, was an odd day - Fast and Testimony, and also the combined Priesthood/RS meeting. And yesterday, we had the first ever Women's Meeting, which was barely discussed at church. I feel out of sorts and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I will share my testimony here - as I have developed the habit of not doing it at church - yet I don't want to lose my testimony, so this is my alternative.

This is what I know and feel in regards to the gospel of Jesus Christ:

I know that Christ is my Savior. I feel His love when I create something - whether it is order in a chaotic house, or sketching a picture. I know that the Church and the Fullness of the Gospel has been restored. I feel secure in the foundation that I have, and hopeful for the growth ahead of me. I know that the basis of the gospel is love and individual worth, I feel like I am improving in my efforts to love those around me. I know that each person, regardless of any thing, has infinite worth and potential because of (or shown through) the Atonement of Jesus the Christ. I know that my Heavenly Father loves and knows me. I feel that I have a long way to go to come to know Him, yet I have begun already to see the 'sprouts' of this relationship awareness...in my life. I know that it is hard for me to say what I feel, especially to another person instead of just my journal/blog. I feel like it is important for me to learn how and let go, so that I can love other better. I know that through the Holy Ghost I can learn and remember all things, and I feel that my agency is crucial to that process. I know that agency is a beautiful truth and that it is worth learning how to be deliberate about. I feel like I am beginning to glimpse hope to master my agency and overcome my natural tendencies. I know that through education and action, we shape our minds and become people who can use their brain and make wise judgments by stepping back and trusting in God. I feel that since I have done this before, myself, I have the ability to develop this wisdom - and that neurologically and spiritually these things align perfectly. I know that often people see the gospel and "science" et. al as opposing forces, yet I know and feel that as we step back (to get unstuck, and to see from a different perspective) we see how perfectly they fit together.

I know that I could come up with more things that I know, yet I feel that this is sufficient and I am more at peace through this simple exercise. I am grateful for the Spirit's direction in where to turn for peace.

Love and Stake Conference

We just had Stake Conference, and it was absolutely wonderful. I had so many thoughts – I’ve had to outline them like a proper essay…what an idea. :) Anyway – They can basically be split into 3 areas 1) Master the Tempest is Raging, 2) Love, that’s what it’s all about, 3) Deliberately trusting and having faith in God.

What are my priorities when I have questions? What matters most to me? I’m not sure, to be honest. Often I feel like I get distracted or lost in all the things around me. We sang the hymn, “Master, the Tempest is Raging”, which is a hymn I love. It describes my life and fears so well, and every time, Christ comes to my aid and answers my questions.

An issue that’s been on my mind as an observer comes around every five to six months, about the role of women. This is a subject I would love to talk more about, but feel that it is best if I just summarize. See, I don’t personally worry about it but it is one I wish I could explain well to others. As of yet, my words need more prayer and thought before I share more. Because of this conference, I am reminded that when I put first things first, everything else falls into place. We were beautifully taught about the creation and the ‘sacred silence of women.’

I came away thinking that when things come up that I don’t understand, or that I question, or that I am offended at, I can let things settle down and I can be at peace – when I put God first. See, I have this tendency of over-analysis. I’m sure that comes as a surprise to those who know me, but I often get lost in the thick of thin things, getting so fixated on one little thing, I forget to ‘zoom out’ and put things back into perspective. There is truth everywhere, and when I look to the source, I can find that peace and inner strength to move forward. It may sound so simplistic, and I know when I have trouble, that’s the last thing I want to hear, but that is the truth. When I can let my heart settle a bit, I do feel better. So – what matters most, to me, is what sticks around after I can settle my heart down. Naturally, there are times when that takes longer than others, but I’m getting better, I think.

Also, I had a cool experience – we discussed the temple a lot at this conference, and I felt impressed to help teach my little brother to learn about family history. He loves computers and I feel he could greatly help here. So, I have begun talking to him about it and hope he can continue. Another thought we discussed was that in temples, the gap between knowing and becoming (testimony and conversion), is lessened – we mold our souls and see a new view of ourselves in the temple, and that is just a beautiful truth.

Love – that’s what it’s all about. This is where I have the most thoughts… so I will try to sum up.

• Everything works to teach us to love God – every commandment, every lesson; it all is to teach us to love. Everything else ensues from that love, we see each other more perfectly, and can move forward – yet we often lose perspective and forget why we do anything, but if we remember to love, to see others as we really are, everything starts to make sense.
• Love naturally invites us to listen to each other’s perspective and unite together and move forward – which is beautiful. I love the idea that the world will be when we learn how to do that.
• President Nelson asked a wonderful question that we can think about as we live our lives: “Did I at least understand the first commandment to love God?” and I would add, “Can I understand that commandment without understanding the others?” To me, it is cyclical, but love definitely comes from God and is what makes everything work out.
• “Often we live side by side, and don’t see heart to heart” what a sad, but true thought. When we really see those around us, we find our place and know how to really help. So, I hope I can learn to pause and look at those around me. I never feel confident in my ability to help those around me, but I believe that though my efforts may be small, I can learn and improve.  
• “I want to be saved, if my friends will help me” We really need each other. I feel like we each hold pieces of the puzzle, and can’t succeed without each other. Teamwork is a beautiful and probably eternal principle. :)
• Elder Holland kept talking about “It’s about the people” – which I absolutely love. Apparently, his records are in the Midway 3^rd Ward, so he was at our Stake Conference as a member, not assigned to preside. So, I am so grateful he spoke to us. There is so much beauty and wonder in each child of God. And I am grateful that he (and the other speakers) were able to help me see that a little clearer. 
• As we simply go about, trying to bless another’s life, we develop the divine purpose and attribute of love. This will be a new goal of mine – to reshape my life so that I can go about doing good, too.
• We are what matters. The worth of souls is truly great, and I forget that too often. I hope to remember the divine worth and nobility of those around me.
• I have been asked to stand as a witness – in loyalty to truth, to my beliefs, to God, to others. There is a price to pay, to bring souls to Christ, the price is inviting others. And it scares me to open my mouth. Yet, sacrifice is needed. Just like obedience in some areas comes easy to me and hard to others, speaking up for my beliefs is hard for me as I tend to want to please people without considering what I am really doing. If I don’t allow others to listen to me, not just what they want to hear, they will never have the complete picture. And, neither will I. It all comes down to love. If I truly love them, I won’t just try to please them, but I will help them when I can see my place and I can share the truths that I have. “Mean mothers defend the standards of the ‘For Strength of Youth’” and I often neglect this truth out of fear of hurting another’s feelings, or making myself vulnerable. I am not good at explaining myself succinctly, and it frightens me that I would not be able to say truth, and be understood, that I avoid it; I agree and deflect the attention. I need to learn to lovingly say what is truth and be loyal to it, and to my God first.

My last section is on deliberate and determined service – living on purpose means we can and need to trust in the Lord. So, it begs the question, whose voice do I listen to? Who do I turn to for comfort, for direction? Obviously, all these thoughts flow together which, I truly love. What are my goals? And am I deliberately choosing to move toward them? I tend to go in the general direction, yet, I feel so inspired to be more deliberate.

Our goals give us direction and help unite and connect to those around us. If our goal is love, imagine what beautiful things await us. Unity – stand first with God. Then, as we love each other, we listen to all our different perspectives, and move forward in faith. Find your refuge in the gospel. Faith is a deliberate action to move forward in hope. Progression is a miracle, and each step forward is a gift. I have so many shortcomings, so much I don’t yet understand, yet – I have come a long way, and know that metaphorically, “once I was blind, but now I can see.”

One day at a time, I can love a little better. I can realign my priorities and trust in God. Then, I can confidently and deliberately move forward, and bring others with me, just as others bring me along. Life is a beautiful thing, and it is because we matter. We really are what matters.

Testimony and Blessing

I am home, sick again. As it is the first Sunday of March, and in our church we typically have a "Fast and Testimony" meeting, (meaning instead of eating our typical meals, we pray and focus on a specific need), and then we share our beliefs together in a meeting. Since I missed out, I wanted to share here.

Yesterday was the sickest I have been in my memory (right now...), it was just the flu, so I didn't think too much of it - but it wouldn't go away and anyway, it was awful. Finally I asked my dad for a blessing, he took a few minutes to prepare, and while he did, I honestly had to pray and think about what I really expected would happen.

See, I've had blessings before - but I've always been taught that it's God's will, not mine, so I guess I typically assume that means that I won't get what I want...? I don't know if that makes sense. Anyway, I was thinking about this for awhile (before I asked my dad and before he gave me the blessing), as I was contemplating how awful I felt... and I finally decided, after reviewing my past history and the promises I've been given, that God was capable of healing me as He has helped me before. I prayed and told Him that even if I wasn't to be physically healed, if He could just give me peace, that I would be grateful.

Well, all I can say is I immediately started to feel better. I am still not all the way healed yet - but not only was I given peace, I was given strength and the healing process really started to take off. My aches and pains started to lessen, my other flu like symptoms dwindled, and most importantly, I was able to relax and go to sleep.

God really does answer prayers and He honors the priesthood and the prayers of faith. I know that it was because of that blessing, that my dad faithfully gave to me, and that I was able to find the faith to ask for, that I started to feel better and find peace again.