Dear Self,
I remember my friend Elsie, who while in the MTC wrote a letter for why she went on a mission, and
how much it helped her. I want to do the same thing. I do feel a little silly
writing myself a note and I guess I can laugh at myself later for it. I usually feel much better after writing, and I believe this can help me later too, so,
it is worth it. I am putting it up here on my blog, just in case. It is a personal letter to myself, so it feels a little counter-intuitive to publish it online. I am doing this because I want to 'put it out there' - wherever there is, and to be brave. So. I will publish this letter.
I am going to get my masters in England because I was feeling stuck. And this is something I want to do, so that I
can live my life on purpose, not waiting for ‘tomorrow’ or making excuses, but
really living life. I felt for years that this was my next step, though it took
those years for the ‘next step’ to be prepared and clear. I have felt this is right, and that a lot of work is required of
me. I know that it will be hard in different ways than I am ‘planning’ for,
because it is a completely new experience. But I need it. I need to learn
and to hurt, to grow in new ways, and I need to know what I know and believe in
even more than I do now. I need to learn how to have an opinion and to share it
wisely. I need to know how to talk
with others about beliefs without malice or fear – but trusting in God. I am going
because I know this is right and I know that whoever I meet or whatever
my challenge, my eternity will be blessed because of it. I have so much I
want to see, so many adventures and memories are waiting for me.
I am writing this email exactly 30 days before I leave for London. I am
writing it for a couple reasons – first,
to remind myself later of how I am feeling now, what I am excited or nervous for,
etc., second, to help me process
impatience, loneliness, and other issues, and finally, to help me calm down now. :)
How am I feeling?
Right now, tired - it is somewhat late. I am trying to convince myself to go to
sleep, but my mind is still trying to figure everything out, which makes it
hard to sleep. I am feeling comforted by my missionary cousins and friend,
though I miss having (Lindsay) Williams shimai here with me. She is really good
at listening to me, helping me feel loved, and helping me sort everything out.
I am really excited to “do something”
with my life, to have adventures, to make memories, to see new things, and
think in new ways. I am really nervous for
embarking on this alone, of strange customs and people making fun of,
belittling, or harming me and my beliefs. I am nervous and
excited to see how it all pans out and I am
rather impatient to start the process. I’ve been firmly planning this for just
about 11 months now, and I still have one more to go. And, I am excited because I feel I am a better long-distance
friend than in-person… but I am trying to work on not driving people away and
letting people be close to me, I guess. And of people wanting to be my friend,
it’s a cycle, but it starts with me.
Impatience:
“the grass is always greener” – first of all, if I am living in London and not
taking advantage of it, I am sorely disappointed. Yes, focus on school – but make
memories too. Don’t waste this 12-month adventure by only planning the next
one. This last year has been quite a good one, but it has especially gotten
better now that I only have a little bit of time, and have made it a priority
to enjoy it. I always am impatient or trying so hard to be efficient, to do
everything right, that my memories are only of me trying to be efficient or of
me getting upset because of impatience. I don’t want my whole life to be that
way. So, at least these 12 months in England have to be epic, then you can go
back to being impatient and living vicariously… Not really. Not at all. Do me a
favor: Figure it out, ok?
Loneliness:
You were very lonely here too, at times, and you were with your family. It isn’t
a pleasant emotion, but you actually make good acquaintances really well
(long-term friends is a different story), so go to a church activity and listen to
someone. Help them feel important and
noticed – and then, you will be too. You are really good at throwing
pity-parties. Maybe try to throw happy-parties more often. Yes, emotions will
be rather tested, with everything going on – new people, a new country, a new
school and high expectations and demands on time, money, and emotional
resources, and loneliness is a constant companion. So, therefore, find ways to
enjoy spending time with yourself, take time to do things you enjoy, and time
to rest. But most importantly, find someone to listen to, and to love. That
really will cure it. Yes, you will have to take initiative and be the one to
reach out. Not always ideal but, desperate times call for desperate measures,
and mortality is often a ‘desperate time.’ Haha. But really. Also, nothing is
as constant as change. It will be ok. Just wait out the storm.
Other:
I am not sure what other things will come up. Hence the name of this section.
But, above all, hold to the gospel of
Jesus Christ. Doubts will arise, your culture and way of life will be challenged.
But, you know
what you have felt – and you know that if there is any meaning in life, it comes through love, which is the gospel of Christ. If there is any truth, it comes from God.
Without it, life is dark and lonely. Do not give it up. Be active at church, rely on those in your ward. Listen to the Spirit
and pray always, that in times of struggle or pain, you can find peace
through the Spirit. Trust in God, believe in good things to come, and know that because of your covenants,
it will all be worth it, and you can succeed gloriously. And, it will make for
a great story later. Take a minute, sit down, get a drink of water, maybe a
snack, and look around you. The world is a beautiful place and
there is light, life, and love all around you. Also, find time to go
to the temple and remember your covenants.
I am, honestly, a bit overwhelmed and it scares me. I am wondering if this is not like it was
in the Pre-mortal life, waiting to come to Earth, with my friends and family
gone before- knowing that it would be incredibly
hard, that there would be tears, and a lot of pain. And yet, knowing and wanting to go anyway.
Because, like that time, I know that there are good things to come of this. I don’t know where I will end up
because of it, I don’t have a set future. But it is exciting to have
opportunities, to learn and to grow. To have that potential again is exciting
– it is helping me to live my life on purpose,
not just living vicariously. I feel like in the pre-mortal life, we learned all
we could without experiencing it ourselves. We knew the answers, but without
the experience, we were like rocks in the stream. Stuck.
That’s how I’ve felt for the last two and a half years and I am so close to
being able to move forward. Yes, this ship
(me), is safe in this harbor (Wallsburg, UT, at my parents’ house), but that is
not what I was created for. I have had time to recover, to realign, and figure
out what I really want, and where I really want to go – at least sort of. I am
stronger now, my foundation is as set as it can be, and now I just want to get
on the plane and go. But, I am grateful for
the time I have now to create some memories, and do some last minute
fine-tuning of my character. And, I have a month to learn (or at least practice) patience. It’s taken me about 24.5
years, but this last month should do the trick. Then, I’ll have patience down
perfectly. HAHA. Ok. Self, I hope I have cheered you up a bit.
As for marriage, I don’t know what to say. I would love to find my
eternal companion. I want to start a family. But, I can’t keep my life on hold
waiting for marriage to fall into my lap. If it means I am single for my mortal
life, or it is postponed, then that is how it will have to be. I have been here
long enough and I feel that the Lord knows what is best. I have not found
anyone here that can, wants to, or whatever, be my companion. So for now, it
will be me and the Spirit taking on London. Yes, I want it differently and it
hurts when I hear people talk about girls who value education over family. I’m
not just going to get married to check it off the list, you know? (I’d better
know, as I am writing this to myself…)I am not purposely avoiding it or
purposely being unattractive to men. This was not expected in all of my young
life of writing ‘where I want to be in ten years’ – but it is where I am and I
mean to make the best of it. I mean to keep learning, I intend to be the best I
can be, and one day, I have faith, that I won’t be “alone” anymore. I know my family wishes I was married now, and
most of my friends are married and have at least one child. I’ve waited, I’ve
dated, and I’ve even debated. I am putting my love life, no, my entire life, in
the hands of the Lord and will use my agency to create a life worth living
while I wait in His care. I hope that makes sense.
I am scared because I don’t have a set
plan – will I be starting a family? Will I have a new job, or will I be
continuing school? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll be unemployed or working somewhere
worse than what I left. I am so very grateful I
have this chance to live my life, to make something of myself, and hopefully be
able to make a real difference in this world, and find a place where I belong
and want to stay. That is what I am looking for, and it may be the place I am
living now. I will never know until I try and I want to try, I want to see what
I can do, try new things, and make mistakes. I want to learn and become something better
than I am now, and I am grateful for the
Lord who has helped show me the way and has helped me to get there.
Sincerely,
Cristina Roemmich
August 10, 2014
