Complacent?

Lots of thoughts and feelings were had at church today, but the main one seems to be the idea that I have become quite disconnected from who I was. Living in London has changed me - I am not sure that all ways have been for the better. I feel quite disconnected from my faith, from God, from growth in that area. I've spent a lot of time trying to help others, maybe not enough, but somewhere along the way, I got myself a bit lost.

Making it up as I go

Unfortunately I do not have time or inclination to update this blog of my adventures in between now and my last post. I've just been reading a friend's blog and realized just how behind I am on my own blogs. In my lame defense, my computer has been broken for about 3 months and I've only been able to use my phone. However, I could have been more diligent.

Catching Up and Sorting Thoughts

I have had a lot of experiences which need to be written down. They all relate together because they’re my life right now, but for clarity, I will try to sort them out. *Caution* messy post, my thoughts are still really jumbled and such, but I do feel it is an important first step so I press forward.

Traveling and Life –

First, I have traveled almost all over the Great Britain. I haven’t made it to Northern Ireland, so not the UK. BUT still. And I’ve also lately been to Paris and to Portugal. So, lots of traveling has been going on. Sometimes it has been in a larger group, a couple friends, and occasionally by myself. I can’t quite decide which is my ideal size of traveling companions, because each have their pros and cons and I’m still not sure which ones are most important to me. For example, traveling alone is great because I get some quality “thinking” or “me” time, I set the agenda and don’t have to try to please anyone else. But sometimes, like in Lisbon, I get hopelessly lost and can only say that “I don’t speak Portuguese” in Portuguese, and getting lost with friends is a bit more fun... haha. :) Traveling in a big group is lovely, lots of friends and fun, you get to create wonderful new memories and inside jokes. But, I’m a born people-pleaser, and sometimes I sacrifice “too much” to try to fit in or keep everyone happy. Going with just a couple people kind of combines the pros and cons of each – like, I can still have quiet time and create new memories with friends, but it’s different. So. Yes. Mixed bag. Lots of new thoughts and experiences to reflect on. Anyway, lots of travel already this month and a few more trips planned. But that’s on a different blog.  

Health –

So, exactly two weeks ago I fainted. I was in a temple doing some service, and was kneeling at the time, when I just collapsed. I never fully lost consciousness and it was a very peaceful experience actually. A bit disembodied though. Anyway since then, it has been quite easy for me to almost faint and I have had quite a weird experience in my head – it doesn’t hurt exactly, but down from my occipital lobe up to my frontal lobe – i.e., all over my head, it feels funny. Almost squeezed? Like when you wring out a rag? And I’ve seriously came close to fainting at least 3 other times since then – plus weird hints of it, in addition to headaches and other stomach/digestive concerns. So, tomorrow I’m off to my first free health care experience since moving to the UK – at least, I’m finally going to my school’s clinic.

Today I received a special blessing from Elder Jim Phillips who is a senior missionary here for the YSA in London. I love him and his wife (Sister Starla Phillips). They are so loving and strong. In addition to the blessing, they made sure I promised to go to the doctor and let them know what the doctors say. Elder Phillips hopes they refer me to a neurologist but I’m trying to convince myself that nothing is wrong. See, the thing is, I’ve always had funny health – and it’s because my brain is quite influential over my physical experience, so like when I’m stressed, I have a stomach ache. And once when I was almost fainting, all I had to do was tell myself to breathe and think about something else because my stress was making it a bigger deal than it was, and then I was fine. But, over the last two weeks I’ve kept feeling this little voice “You should probably just go see a doctor” – and since it’s free, hopefully I’ll be able to see one tomorrow. I will at least register and set an appointment. I’m not actually sure how it works. So we’ll see.

Spiritual –

This should be its own blog, or maybe a couple posts, but I’m too tired. Again, it all merges and overlaps. It’s hard to explain. I’m learning that it is time for me to re-examine some things I’ve put up on my shelf. It might not change anything, it might not change how I feel – but let me give an example. There are a few things that get muddled in my head very quickly. Like what gratitude or worship really are. So, I deeply appreciate lessons where we talk about these things and I can pull out my little box, reorganize it and take out some of the junk that gets thrown in there. With the devotional and experience up in Sunderland, my health, and also today’s institute lesson and blessing, I’ve found a few things that need to be examined and de-cluttered.

First, I’m doing this production of “the Lamb of God” by Rob Gardner, with YSA from all over the UK which is really special. We had our first performance up in the top north east corner of England this last weekend, they were such loving hosts and the whole weekend was an experience I will treasure. Throughout the performance, their faces were kind of blank, it was hard to tell if they liked it. But at the end, most jumped to their feet and applauded (even though we were in the chapel – they had permission). This feeling of joy and love radiated and even my hard heart (lately…) felt it, which was lovely. Apparently they had something like 30-70 non-member / investigators there, so that was special. Also, my friend noticed a young man with Downs Syndrome sitting in between his parents, who at the time when Christ was in Gethsemane, grasped both parents with this intense look, and love. I wish I saw that, but am so grateful she shared it with me. I love being part of something which changes lives, even for just a few days. (“A good talk is one that makes it to Tuesday” – we have this tendency to forget things and go back to normal. A goal of mine is to be constantly uplifted, and grow strong enough to at least “make it to Wednesday” – and keep getting better)

Afterwards, their stake president, President Deacon, gave us a beautiful devotional on faith. My major takeaways were that first, I need to step up in my faith. I have this tendency to “put things on a shelf” rather quickly, to just “not think about it,” and try to move on. One of those things is this nagging thing about marriage. He blatantly told us {me} not to give up and think that I will never get married in this life. Mmm… I kind of have, but I am trying to back-pedal that decision. I just don’t see it happening. He gave an example of his faithful wife, being told medically she couldn’t have kids – but she trusted the promise in her patriarchal blessing that she would bear children. And so she maintained that and they now have two children – naturally. So, I need to learn how to trust the promise in my patriarchal blessing, that I will get married. No, it does not say when – and I need to learn that I don’t need to decide that for me/God, but I need to be open to it and open to the possibility of it not happening. So. Here’s to trying. Which relates to my second takeaway – he talked about Lazarus being raised from the dead, and how Christ asked the people to remove the stone and take the wrappings off. He asked them to do what they could, even if it wasn’t “big” or “significant” or really had anything to do with the actual miracle. So thinking about that, I need to learn how to do what I can. So, I shall practice that. One day at a time.

The testimony meeting the next day was remarkable. My dear friend Harriet played her cello and it soothed my soul. Those who bore their testimony did so with power and love. However, throughout it, my heart felt a bit untouched. Until the last couple testimonies. It got me to confront some things in my heart, and realize the importance of these things that I’d “put on the shelf” – and that it was time to resort them. (Things get shuffled about in a move, and I’ve been doing a lot of moving, haha. But really.) Some of the things which need to be sorted are already mentioned. But the one during testimony meeting is this deeply held belief that … I’m not sure how to put it to words exactly, nothing I’m thinking quite captures it, and writing it down – like I know, but I don’t know or rather feel it. It is related to feeling worthless, but I know I’m not – but just, somehow, I feel like I have to try so hard, that I’m not worth bothering about. Maybe an example will help? In the Lamb of God, I’m one of the many second sopranos. My friends are the cello soloist, a narrator, and a soloist. If I were to miss a performance, no one would ever know. And I know technically, any of them “could” be replaced too, but it isn’t the same. And I have been joking that I’m just there for the numbers, or to make the choir look fuller – because my voice is quiet and doesn’t make a difference. And I feel like that with my life. I mean, I’m not hurting anything and I can lift a few hands along my way, but really, it isn’t anything noteworthy or like, if I ceased existing, I would be missed but life would go on without me – and I know that is technically how it would be for anyone – “In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost. But it hurts just the same. I want to feel like to someone I really matter… I may be just another person to the world, but to someone I selfishly want to be their “world” – or at least a major part of it (I’d never actually want to be someone’s entire world – I hate being sung to on my birthday, let alone being the focus of someone’s entire life… plus if I were to die, I would want to be missed but I don’t want to ruin their life…anyway). I love how *naively* I thought I could be so concise in this blog post.

Today’s institute lesson focused on “Healing = Courage + Action + Grace” a talk in a BYU Devotional given by a professor in the counseling department. I’ve heard this talk before – and at one point early in the discussion, Elder Phillips looked at me and said “Cristina, I can’t believe you don’t have a comment” – I guess I comment a. LOT. I’ve been quieter lately, and it’s a mix between loving to listen to other people and feeling like they all say it better than me, so I don’t need to say anything. But the problem is, I learn what I think when I speak or when I write… so I need to at least write stuff down. I had so many thoughts, but all were small and somewhat disconnected – like how courage / action / grace / healing are so connected – and yet so easy – yes, we are called to suffer sometimes, and called to put in effort. But usually the best effort we can put in is to turn to God. So, yes. Mmm. I also thought about this video I helped make when we asked these guys in our ward, spontaneously (with a video camera), what true beauty is, what is divine worth, and what would you say to a girl in the ward who doesn’t feel that, doesn’t feel beautiful or worth something. Lately, I’ve been thinking about how there isn’t anything I could say to them or to me – one of those girls – except that the only way to get over that is to learn what God thinks of me/them. It’s this deeply personal and spiritual need to learn how to believe God, to know how He sees us, and feel that about ourselves and others.

The other thing that struck me was that the speaker said, basically, that it was ok to be mad at God because He can take it. I would add the caveat that it’s ok to be mad as long as you take it to Him in prayer and continue being faithful. It reminds me of what I distinctly learned with an old roommate, who tried to always be happy, even immediately after a hard breakup. I had this moment of insight that it was ok and necessary to be sad, to learn how to experience that emotion. Today, I think I had a similar one where I need to learn to be mad, angry, or hurt about some things in my life. Yes, eternally they are all going to be fine – I trust that promise. But – I can’t rob myself of the experience of that emotion. I need to open my heart more to emotion, though I am scared what being angry might do. I hope I continue to faithfully turn to God in prayer, to feel, understand, and heal from this hurt. So. That was an interesting thing to learn – usually it’s a message of peace, which it is, but it is complicated. I’ve been stuck. So I need to take a step forward and ask hard questions, and experience emotions again.

My last little section is on the blessing and chat I had with the Phillips. Special fact: they went to Jerusalem in 2013, and consecrated holy oil by the Garden Tomb, and so in my blessing today they used that. I am not sure that where it was consecrated necessarily makes it any “better” but it makes it special and helps me feel loved, and it helps me feel of their faith and inspires me to have faith too.

The blessing itself was full of love. I could feel Elder Phillips truly communicating with God and it felt like I was being brought closer to heaven. It was personal, loving, and powerful. I don’t quite know. I still feel a bit weird in my head… and a bit disconnected from spiritual things, but it was there even if I couldn’t quite feel it all the way. Before the blessing, I had a good but too short chat with them about me – specifically about health and then about dating and such. Sister Phillips says I need to be better about giving the “green light” and Elder Phillips said in the blessing to have courage not to change who I am out of loneliness, so a slightly mixed message, but I think both are true. Basically, no I don’t have to change who I am – but I need to do what I can, which will be clearer after I’ve done a lot of prayer and soul searching, and time – I think time is going to be very important. SO I shall continue to practice doing what I can each day. I will practice more confidently trusting and loving people, I will practice doing good things even when tired, and in the lesson – it talked about grace being the enabling power to continue after our natural desires – this is hopeful because lately I’ve been feeling fresh out of desire for… well, truthfully, anything except sleep. And maybe a cookie. Haha. Overall, I am feeling better. I need a lot of help – even making time to have these moments of introspection and honesty with self and God, which are so crucial to healing. But I would so like to be healed – a process which takes time. For now, that means stopping writing and going to sleep. I do feel better, spiritually, like a few things have at least begun to be sorted out. There is so much more work to be done though! I pray that I won’t be intimidated by the amount of work and cower from it, but instead boldly move forward one step at a time with Christ, who is the source and Master Healer.

2015 Testimony Goal

One of the things I struggle with the most is not wanting to bear my testimony in my church meeting. It's the meeting where members are invited to come and talk of Christ, their beliefs, and is generally fairly unstructured as far as who speaks and what they say. If given the choice between giving a talk and bearing my testimony in the testimony meeting, I would pick giving a talk every time. I just don't like having to think on my feet in front of everyone and be expected to say something coherent and meaningful. SO - one of my New Year's Resolutions this year is to write my testimony each month and publish it on my blog instead of giving it once a month in the testimony meeting. I firmly believe in sharing my beliefs and don't want to hide them but I need to find a better outlet for me to get it out there.

Edinburgh

Despite my efforts, I did not make it to church today. Which makes me really sad.

Yesterday, I hiked a lot and was very tired when I came home. So, I hurried and looked up directions on getting to the church, when Sacrament started, etc. And then I went to sleep.

I woke up before my alarm, and comfortably waited for it to go off - peacefully waking up.

Then, I got ready and reviewed the directions. I even wrote them all down on the sheet and made sure I had my bus fare ready to go.

After a while of walking (the stop was a ways away), I remembered that I probably ought to hurry a bit more than I was... So I picked up my pace. After a few confusing intersections, I found my bus stop.

Ten minutes later, I finally decided to see when the bus was supposed to come next. Then I saw it. My bus had come and went - less than a minute before I got to the stop. And it wouldn't come again for an hour. I thought leaving an hour and a half early would be enough time to get to church. Wrong.

Their meetings start with RS and Priesthood, ending with Sacrament, which is what I had planned on attending, so having the bus not come for an hour meant that I missed church entirely.

I found myself crying a bit. After my peaceful wake up, I struggled with going to church... I was comfortable, and I was only going to Sacrament anyway, was it worth the 3 GBP? As I thought about it, I began to remember how important it was for me to attend church, how it shapes my week and prepares me for the struggles ahead. So to be able to be there was painful for me.

I dedicated the rest of the day to watching the church's Bible Videos and CES Devotionals, I listened to hymns, and I prayed. I still am sad that I did not make it to church and I can feel the loss of not renewing my covenants - It has helped me wake up a bit in my faith and though I won't be at my fullest this week, I pray that the Spirit may still be with me, as I have felt it much more clearly throughout my adventures here in Europe. I am so grateful for repentance and the Atonement which enables me to press forward and become clean again.

London

I've made it to London - read on my other blog...

Here are my notes from Elder Bednar's and Elder Ballard's talks from the European Women's Meeting - that I am listening to as I write this. I live in Europe now... which is pretty sweet. It also means I get an extra two-hour meeting to watch the broadcast again.

False opposites and polar extremes surround us. How do I open my heart and truly listen, being united in faith - regardless of circumstance? I am not left out and ought to pay attention always, even if they don't spell out my situation exactly. Stay steady and strong, on the Lord's side. You are doing a great job. Simply be steady and good to those around you and the faith you hold.

The Atonement of Jesus Christ - cleanses us from sin - and it strengthens us to do good and become better. Do I pray like an object or an agent? Do I pray to be able to act for myself, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ? We are to act, not to be acted upon. "Make this go away" or "just give this to me" - or "Grant me strength" - we cannot do it on our own, but we can pray to be enabled to do something. That is such a crucial difference. How do I pray? Can I pray more like an agent?

Sometimes, all we want to do is to be obedient - and if we can pray to feel of God's love for us, we can find a way in faith. They are so loving and so strong, and we can find strength to keep going. Just come unto Christ. It does apply to you and you need it. It will come as we patiently wait upon the Lord and pray in faith.

Simple steadiness in obedience, will chase the darkness out of lives and countries, the light of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I am loving listening to Elder Bednar testify of the leaders he works with. They know what is true and what we need. Be of good cheer. "I know Captain Moroni, I work with 14 of them every day. They are warriors."

Listen to their wise, simple counsel. Look to those who hold the keys of the priesthood. Work on being better in private than you are in public. Don't put on a show, be a genuine follower of Christ. Study and come to know Him - read of the Atonement in the Book of Mormon. Read it and look for the blessings that come from the Atonement. Come to find Him there. And you will find the strength to face what you need to face. Be strong and of good courage.

Why are we meeting? "We want to extend to you the personal love of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles." - as you study, think how "Christ loved and loves the women of the church." (especially in the New Testament). The first declaration that He was and is the Savior of the world was at Jacob's well, to a woman. We are so loved - Eve is the mother of all living. She took responsibility to fulfill a commandment. We are so loved. Let your heart feel that love, to feel the strength that comes from God. Mortality must come by experiencing the bad and the good. It is better to pass through sorrow that we may know the good. Experience is so crucial. The last few days have been so jam-packed with experience. It truly is the best teacher. Let yourself experience it, hold fast to the rod that comes from God, follow His prophets and open your heart to feel and recognize the Spirit.

Let your heart love those around you, those who came before you, and those who will follow after you. Do not limit your love to only those you have met. Pray for this help to love them more fully. Love is the essence of the gospel and the world could use more of it. Be a source of love here in London. Whatever challenge or circumstance - wherever you live or whatever you are doing - come to know Christ - who has the capacity and power to know and love you, to lift your burden, and that you can successfully experience mortality. Pray that you may come to know Him. This church is often held together by the women. See that you teach and lift those around you.

"I have been told you are coming" - God has prepared a way for you. Trust in Him enough to do all you can to move forward and have faith. Things will work out.You have strength enough - you are stronger than you know. Keep working hard and trust in good things to come, even if they aren't here yet (though, you are in pretty great times, so chin up. Remember to be grateful in any circumstance). Take a step forward. Work just a little harder to move a little forward. Your voices and efforts are needed. You have a great work to perform. We are sons and daughters of the Most High God. He is our Father. That is who we are. We are blessed with the gospel. Be of good cheer. Come to know Them and Their leaders - as we follow them, I know we will come to know Christ and find strength through His Atonement and love for us. Help others to feel it, too.We know who God is, and we know we are sent here, by Him. We are so blessed. Remember that.

Never underestimate your worth, and remember to keep all things in proper balance - it is so easy to take things to extremes, to get lost in details. Pause a moment, catch your breath, relax, and remember to love and to feel love. Truth is true, and what really matters is our witness of truth - and our family. That is what matters. Learn to love them and take care of their work. Focus your work on the marvelous reality that this is the Church of JESUS CHRIST.

Europe Area Sisters Meeting September 2014 Well, that is what my thoughts were - feel free to watch it here: https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/watch/europe-area-sisters-meeting/2014/09?lang=eng

A Letter to Me from Me

Dear Self,

I remember my friend Elsie, who while in the MTC wrote a letter for why she went on a mission, and how much it helped her. I want to do the same thing. I do feel a little silly writing myself a note and I guess I can laugh at myself later for it. I usually feel much better after writing, and I believe this can help me later too, so, it is worth it. I am putting it up here on my blog, just in case. It is a personal letter to myself, so it feels a little counter-intuitive to publish it online. I am doing this because I want to 'put it out there' - wherever there is, and to be brave. So. I will publish this letter.

I am going to get my masters in England because I was feeling stuck. And this is something I want to do, so that I can live my life on purpose, not waiting for ‘tomorrow’ or making excuses, but really living life. I felt for years that this was my next step, though it took those years for the ‘next step’ to be prepared and clear. I have felt this is right, and that a lot of work is required of me. I know that it will be hard in different ways than I am ‘planning’ for, because it is a completely new experience. But I need it. I need to learn and to hurt, to grow in new ways, and I need to know what I know and believe in even more than I do now. I need to learn how to have an opinion and to share it wisely. I need to know how to talk with others about beliefs without malice or fear – but trusting in God. I am going because I know this is right and I know that whoever I meet or whatever my challenge, my eternity will be blessed because of it. I have so much I want to see, so many adventures and memories are waiting for me.

I am writing this email exactly 30 days before I leave for London. I am writing it for a couple reasons – first, to remind myself later of how I am feeling now, what I am excited or nervous for, etc., second, to help me process impatience, loneliness, and other issues, and finally, to help me calm down now. :)

How am I feeling? Right now, tired - it is somewhat late. I am trying to convince myself to go to sleep, but my mind is still trying to figure everything out, which makes it hard to sleep. I am feeling comforted by my missionary cousins and friend, though I miss having (Lindsay) Williams shimai here with me. She is really good at listening to me, helping me feel loved, and helping me sort everything out.

I am really excited to “do something” with my life, to have adventures, to make memories, to see new things, and think in new ways. I am really nervous for embarking on this alone, of strange customs and people making fun of, belittling, or harming me and my beliefs. I am nervous and excited to see how it all pans out and I am rather impatient to start the process. I’ve been firmly planning this for just about 11 months now, and I still have one more to go. And, I am excited because I feel I am a better long-distance friend than in-person… but I am trying to work on not driving people away and letting people be close to me, I guess. And of people wanting to be my friend, it’s a cycle, but it starts with me.

Impatience: “the grass is always greener” – first of all, if I am living in London and not taking advantage of it, I am sorely disappointed. Yes, focus on school – but make memories too. Don’t waste this 12-month adventure by only planning the next one. This last year has been quite a good one, but it has especially gotten better now that I only have a little bit of time, and have made it a priority to enjoy it. I always am impatient or trying so hard to be efficient, to do everything right, that my memories are only of me trying to be efficient or of me getting upset because of impatience. I don’t want my whole life to be that way. So, at least these 12 months in England have to be epic, then you can go back to being impatient and living vicariously… Not really. Not at all. Do me a favor: Figure it out, ok?

Loneliness: You were very lonely here too, at times, and you were with your family. It isn’t a pleasant emotion, but you actually make good acquaintances really well (long-term friends is a different story), so go to a church activity and listen to someone.  Help them feel important and noticed – and then, you will be too. You are really good at throwing pity-parties. Maybe try to throw happy-parties more often. Yes, emotions will be rather tested, with everything going on – new people, a new country, a new school and high expectations and demands on time, money, and emotional resources, and loneliness is a constant companion. So, therefore, find ways to enjoy spending time with yourself, take time to do things you enjoy, and time to rest. But most importantly, find someone to listen to, and to love. That really will cure it. Yes, you will have to take initiative and be the one to reach out. Not always ideal but, desperate times call for desperate measures, and mortality is often a ‘desperate time.’ Haha. But really. Also, nothing is as constant as change. It will be ok. Just wait out the storm.

Other: I am not sure what other things will come up. Hence the name of this section. But, above all, hold to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Doubts will arise, your culture and way of life will be challenged. But, you know what you have felt – and you know that if there is any meaning in life, it comes through love, which is the gospel of Christ. If there is any truth, it comes from God. Without it, life is dark and lonely. Do not give it up. Be active at church, rely on those in your ward. Listen to the Spirit and pray always, that in times of struggle or pain, you can find peace through the Spirit. Trust in God, believe in good things to come, and know that because of your covenants, it will all be worth it, and you can succeed gloriously. And, it will make for a great story later. Take a minute, sit down, get a drink of water, maybe a snack, and look around you. The world is a beautiful place and there is light, life, and love all around you. Also, find time to go to the temple and remember your covenants.

I am, honestly, a bit overwhelmed and it scares me. I am wondering if this is not like it was in the Pre-mortal life, waiting to come to Earth, with my friends and family gone before- knowing that it would be incredibly hard, that there would be tears, and a lot of pain. And yet, knowing and wanting to go anyway. Because, like that time, I know that there are good things to come of this. I don’t know where I will end up because of it, I don’t have a set future. But it is exciting to have opportunities, to learn and to grow. To have that potential again is exciting – it is helping me to live my life on purpose, not just living vicariously. I feel like in the pre-mortal life, we learned all we could without experiencing it ourselves. We knew the answers, but without the experience, we were like rocks in the stream. Stuck. That’s how I’ve felt for the last two and a half years and I am so close to being able to move forward. Yes, this ship (me), is safe in this harbor (Wallsburg, UT, at my parents’ house), but that is not what I was created for. I have had time to recover, to realign, and figure out what I really want, and where I really want to go – at least sort of. I am stronger now, my foundation is as set as it can be, and now I just want to get on the plane and go. But, I am grateful for the time I have now to create some memories, and do some last minute fine-tuning of my character. And, I have a month to learn (or at least practice) patience. It’s taken me about 24.5 years, but this last month should do the trick. Then, I’ll have patience down perfectly. HAHA. Ok. Self, I hope I have cheered you up a bit.

As for marriage, I don’t know what to say. I would love to find my eternal companion. I want to start a family. But, I can’t keep my life on hold waiting for marriage to fall into my lap. If it means I am single for my mortal life, or it is postponed, then that is how it will have to be. I have been here long enough and I feel that the Lord knows what is best. I have not found anyone here that can, wants to, or whatever, be my companion. So for now, it will be me and the Spirit taking on London. Yes, I want it differently and it hurts when I hear people talk about girls who value education over family. I’m not just going to get married to check it off the list, you know? (I’d better know, as I am writing this to myself…)I am not purposely avoiding it or purposely being unattractive to men. This was not expected in all of my young life of writing ‘where I want to be in ten years’ – but it is where I am and I mean to make the best of it. I mean to keep learning, I intend to be the best I can be, and one day, I have faith, that I won’t be “alone” anymore.  I know my family wishes I was married now, and most of my friends are married and have at least one child. I’ve waited, I’ve dated, and I’ve even debated. I am putting my love life, no, my entire life, in the hands of the Lord and will use my agency to create a life worth living while I wait in His care. I hope that makes sense.

I am scared because I don’t have a set plan – will I be starting a family? Will I have a new job, or will I be continuing school? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll be unemployed or working somewhere worse than what I left. I am so very grateful I have this chance to live my life, to make something of myself, and hopefully be able to make a real difference in this world, and find a place where I belong and want to stay. That is what I am looking for, and it may be the place I am living now. I will never know until I try and I want to try, I want to see what I can do, try new things, and make mistakes. I want to learn and become something better than I am now, and I am grateful for the Lord who has helped show me the way and has helped me to get there.

Sincerely,

Cristina Roemmich

August 10, 2014

Gratitude

So, I have not been as faithful in updating my blog/journal...My friend and I have been having daily chats of a similar nature, so I have neglected this... but I have "remembered" today and have a little bit I can share.

In church, we discussed gratitude and happiness - in any circumstance. A girl mentioned how in her family, they discussed gratitude in prayers - and that when they say they are grateful for something, they add a "because..." - which helps us move beyond the rote and robotic prayers we can easily fall into. I am excited to use this in my prayers. As President Uchtdorf mentions, gratitude is a catalyst for all other virtues. I believe that by being truly grateful, I can find ways to move forward in faith.

We discussed that in any circumstance we can praise God - because of His eternal plan for us, His infinite love, the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and so many other things. We may struggle in our circumstances, and it can be hard to be grateful when we aren't "pleased" with how things are going - but eventually - we can have gratitude in the faith that one day we will be grateful for the circumstance, even if we don't want to live it again. We can be grateful in our attitude, and not just confined to a rote list of memorized items. Gratitude is an expression of faith, and will propel us forward as we strive to learn, improve, and become like God.


Here is a wonderful talk on gratitude by President Uchtorf of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:
Grateful in Any Circumstances

April Conference 2014

I want to include all my notes and thoughts from conference. However, my notes were about 9 pages long single spaced, which is much too long for a blog post. I'm wordy. So, I will just put the 'themes' from each talk that I liked and thought would help me best remember the talks here instead.

Saturday Morning Session

President Thomas S. Monson: Theme: Through the temple, we can prioritize, and keep joyfully dancing in the rain.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland: Theme: Learn to truly love others- this will be your strength in days to come.

Elder Ronald A. Rasband of the Seventy: Theme: It is our sacred honor to bear the burdens of others – like natural disasters, anger, fear, hurt, and with the priesthood of God we can help people start to heal.

Carlos H. Amado of the Seventy: Theme: Remember Christ and who He really is, which will help me live more faithfully

Sister Linda S. Reeves – Second Counselor in RS General Presidency: Theme: Remember that when prayer, scripture study, and family time, are top priority, we find peace and healing in our lives.

Neil L. Andersen, of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: Theme: As you state your beliefs in love and trust in God, you will never be as alone as you feel. Truth is eternal, learn to see and share the whole picture.

Henry B. Eyring, First Counselor in the First Presidency:  Theme: The Heritage of Hope can be claimed by all of us as we keep moving forward with each other in obedience.

Saturday Afternoon Session

Russell M. Nelson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:  Turbulence came. Theme: Let your faith show courageously as you learn and understand true principles.

Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:  Theme:  Add a line of love in someone else’s life by sharing your testimony and inviting them to start the journey to learn for themselves. Your role is to invite them to start and love them.

Robert D. Hales of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: Theme: Obedience is a sacred obligation out of love of God, ourselves, and the worth of souls

Claudio D. Zivic of the Seventy:Theme: Trust in God and walk in His ways.

W. Craig Zwick of the Seventy: Theme: empathy for the feelings and context of others.    

Elder Quentin Cook of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: Theme: Family History is a glorious opportunity to find and strengthen each other in the temple. We have a lot of work to do and it is exciting to move forward.

Sunday Morning Session

President Dieter F. Uchtdorf Second Counselor in the First Presidency:  Theme: Gratitude is how we find healing when we feel bitter – it is more than gratitude 'for' something, but it is an attitude. It is a catalyst to all Christ-like attributes.

M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:  Theme: be a little more deliberate in inviting and remembering to reach out again and again, to bring the one closer to Christ.

Jean A. Stevens First Counselor of the Primary General Presidency: Theme: We are remembered and we are loved.

Gary E. Stevenson the Presiding Bishop: Theme: The time is now, the clock is ticking. As we reach out to others and hold true to our preparations we move forward with confidence unto Christ.

Elder David A. Bednar of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:  Theme: As we assess our individual load, remember to include the Savior. Turn to Him and find the traction needed to move forward.

President Thomas S. Monson, Prophet: Theme: Love is the true miracle and catalyst for change and happiness. All is bound by love. Day by day we can be a little more encouraging, a little more loving. As we do this, we come unto Christ and become more like Him: loving, true, and strong.

Sunday Afternoon Session

Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles: Theme: The truths that are most worth knowing – Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, the Holy Ghost and my witness

William R. Walker of the Seventy:  Theme: Standing on the shoulders of giants we learn about truths and awaken our souls to God

L. Tom Perry of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:  Theme: Simple obedience is a choice and enables us to find the blessings of eternal life.

Lawrence E. Corbridge of the Seventy:  Can it be this simple? Theme: Truth and opposition surround us in life, hold to what you know, for you know enough.

Michael John U. Teh of the Seventy:  Theme: Priorities have a direct result on our eternal home, treasures in Heaven should be our goal.

Marcos A. Aidukaitis of the Seventy:  Theme: The search for truth is individual. It takes hard work, a deliberate effort, and an honest heart. It requires more effort than a Google search, but it is eternally more fulfilling.

D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles:  Theme: May you receive comfort of the truth and testimony of Jesus Christ.

President Thomas S. Monson, Prophet: Theme: More holiness give me. Keep moving forward in love and study what we have received.

Testimony - Fifth Sunday

Today, was an odd day - Fast and Testimony, and also the combined Priesthood/RS meeting. And yesterday, we had the first ever Women's Meeting, which was barely discussed at church. I feel out of sorts and I'm not sure what to do about it.

I will share my testimony here - as I have developed the habit of not doing it at church - yet I don't want to lose my testimony, so this is my alternative.

This is what I know and feel in regards to the gospel of Jesus Christ:

I know that Christ is my Savior. I feel His love when I create something - whether it is order in a chaotic house, or sketching a picture. I know that the Church and the Fullness of the Gospel has been restored. I feel secure in the foundation that I have, and hopeful for the growth ahead of me. I know that the basis of the gospel is love and individual worth, I feel like I am improving in my efforts to love those around me. I know that each person, regardless of any thing, has infinite worth and potential because of (or shown through) the Atonement of Jesus the Christ. I know that my Heavenly Father loves and knows me. I feel that I have a long way to go to come to know Him, yet I have begun already to see the 'sprouts' of this relationship awareness...in my life. I know that it is hard for me to say what I feel, especially to another person instead of just my journal/blog. I feel like it is important for me to learn how and let go, so that I can love other better. I know that through the Holy Ghost I can learn and remember all things, and I feel that my agency is crucial to that process. I know that agency is a beautiful truth and that it is worth learning how to be deliberate about. I feel like I am beginning to glimpse hope to master my agency and overcome my natural tendencies. I know that through education and action, we shape our minds and become people who can use their brain and make wise judgments by stepping back and trusting in God. I feel that since I have done this before, myself, I have the ability to develop this wisdom - and that neurologically and spiritually these things align perfectly. I know that often people see the gospel and "science" et. al as opposing forces, yet I know and feel that as we step back (to get unstuck, and to see from a different perspective) we see how perfectly they fit together.

I know that I could come up with more things that I know, yet I feel that this is sufficient and I am more at peace through this simple exercise. I am grateful for the Spirit's direction in where to turn for peace.

Love and Stake Conference

We just had Stake Conference, and it was absolutely wonderful. I had so many thoughts – I’ve had to outline them like a proper essay…what an idea. :) Anyway – They can basically be split into 3 areas 1) Master the Tempest is Raging, 2) Love, that’s what it’s all about, 3) Deliberately trusting and having faith in God.

What are my priorities when I have questions? What matters most to me? I’m not sure, to be honest. Often I feel like I get distracted or lost in all the things around me. We sang the hymn, “Master, the Tempest is Raging”, which is a hymn I love. It describes my life and fears so well, and every time, Christ comes to my aid and answers my questions.

An issue that’s been on my mind as an observer comes around every five to six months, about the role of women. This is a subject I would love to talk more about, but feel that it is best if I just summarize. See, I don’t personally worry about it but it is one I wish I could explain well to others. As of yet, my words need more prayer and thought before I share more. Because of this conference, I am reminded that when I put first things first, everything else falls into place. We were beautifully taught about the creation and the ‘sacred silence of women.’

I came away thinking that when things come up that I don’t understand, or that I question, or that I am offended at, I can let things settle down and I can be at peace – when I put God first. See, I have this tendency of over-analysis. I’m sure that comes as a surprise to those who know me, but I often get lost in the thick of thin things, getting so fixated on one little thing, I forget to ‘zoom out’ and put things back into perspective. There is truth everywhere, and when I look to the source, I can find that peace and inner strength to move forward. It may sound so simplistic, and I know when I have trouble, that’s the last thing I want to hear, but that is the truth. When I can let my heart settle a bit, I do feel better. So – what matters most, to me, is what sticks around after I can settle my heart down. Naturally, there are times when that takes longer than others, but I’m getting better, I think.

Also, I had a cool experience – we discussed the temple a lot at this conference, and I felt impressed to help teach my little brother to learn about family history. He loves computers and I feel he could greatly help here. So, I have begun talking to him about it and hope he can continue. Another thought we discussed was that in temples, the gap between knowing and becoming (testimony and conversion), is lessened – we mold our souls and see a new view of ourselves in the temple, and that is just a beautiful truth.

Love – that’s what it’s all about. This is where I have the most thoughts… so I will try to sum up.

• Everything works to teach us to love God – every commandment, every lesson; it all is to teach us to love. Everything else ensues from that love, we see each other more perfectly, and can move forward – yet we often lose perspective and forget why we do anything, but if we remember to love, to see others as we really are, everything starts to make sense.
• Love naturally invites us to listen to each other’s perspective and unite together and move forward – which is beautiful. I love the idea that the world will be when we learn how to do that.
• President Nelson asked a wonderful question that we can think about as we live our lives: “Did I at least understand the first commandment to love God?” and I would add, “Can I understand that commandment without understanding the others?” To me, it is cyclical, but love definitely comes from God and is what makes everything work out.
• “Often we live side by side, and don’t see heart to heart” what a sad, but true thought. When we really see those around us, we find our place and know how to really help. So, I hope I can learn to pause and look at those around me. I never feel confident in my ability to help those around me, but I believe that though my efforts may be small, I can learn and improve.  
• “I want to be saved, if my friends will help me” We really need each other. I feel like we each hold pieces of the puzzle, and can’t succeed without each other. Teamwork is a beautiful and probably eternal principle. :)
• Elder Holland kept talking about “It’s about the people” – which I absolutely love. Apparently, his records are in the Midway 3^rd Ward, so he was at our Stake Conference as a member, not assigned to preside. So, I am so grateful he spoke to us. There is so much beauty and wonder in each child of God. And I am grateful that he (and the other speakers) were able to help me see that a little clearer. 
• As we simply go about, trying to bless another’s life, we develop the divine purpose and attribute of love. This will be a new goal of mine – to reshape my life so that I can go about doing good, too.
• We are what matters. The worth of souls is truly great, and I forget that too often. I hope to remember the divine worth and nobility of those around me.
• I have been asked to stand as a witness – in loyalty to truth, to my beliefs, to God, to others. There is a price to pay, to bring souls to Christ, the price is inviting others. And it scares me to open my mouth. Yet, sacrifice is needed. Just like obedience in some areas comes easy to me and hard to others, speaking up for my beliefs is hard for me as I tend to want to please people without considering what I am really doing. If I don’t allow others to listen to me, not just what they want to hear, they will never have the complete picture. And, neither will I. It all comes down to love. If I truly love them, I won’t just try to please them, but I will help them when I can see my place and I can share the truths that I have. “Mean mothers defend the standards of the ‘For Strength of Youth’” and I often neglect this truth out of fear of hurting another’s feelings, or making myself vulnerable. I am not good at explaining myself succinctly, and it frightens me that I would not be able to say truth, and be understood, that I avoid it; I agree and deflect the attention. I need to learn to lovingly say what is truth and be loyal to it, and to my God first.

My last section is on deliberate and determined service – living on purpose means we can and need to trust in the Lord. So, it begs the question, whose voice do I listen to? Who do I turn to for comfort, for direction? Obviously, all these thoughts flow together which, I truly love. What are my goals? And am I deliberately choosing to move toward them? I tend to go in the general direction, yet, I feel so inspired to be more deliberate.

Our goals give us direction and help unite and connect to those around us. If our goal is love, imagine what beautiful things await us. Unity – stand first with God. Then, as we love each other, we listen to all our different perspectives, and move forward in faith. Find your refuge in the gospel. Faith is a deliberate action to move forward in hope. Progression is a miracle, and each step forward is a gift. I have so many shortcomings, so much I don’t yet understand, yet – I have come a long way, and know that metaphorically, “once I was blind, but now I can see.”

One day at a time, I can love a little better. I can realign my priorities and trust in God. Then, I can confidently and deliberately move forward, and bring others with me, just as others bring me along. Life is a beautiful thing, and it is because we matter. We really are what matters.

Testimony and Blessing

I am home, sick again. As it is the first Sunday of March, and in our church we typically have a "Fast and Testimony" meeting, (meaning instead of eating our typical meals, we pray and focus on a specific need), and then we share our beliefs together in a meeting. Since I missed out, I wanted to share here.

Yesterday was the sickest I have been in my memory (right now...), it was just the flu, so I didn't think too much of it - but it wouldn't go away and anyway, it was awful. Finally I asked my dad for a blessing, he took a few minutes to prepare, and while he did, I honestly had to pray and think about what I really expected would happen.

See, I've had blessings before - but I've always been taught that it's God's will, not mine, so I guess I typically assume that means that I won't get what I want...? I don't know if that makes sense. Anyway, I was thinking about this for awhile (before I asked my dad and before he gave me the blessing), as I was contemplating how awful I felt... and I finally decided, after reviewing my past history and the promises I've been given, that God was capable of healing me as He has helped me before. I prayed and told Him that even if I wasn't to be physically healed, if He could just give me peace, that I would be grateful.

Well, all I can say is I immediately started to feel better. I am still not all the way healed yet - but not only was I given peace, I was given strength and the healing process really started to take off. My aches and pains started to lessen, my other flu like symptoms dwindled, and most importantly, I was able to relax and go to sleep.

God really does answer prayers and He honors the priesthood and the prayers of faith. I know that it was because of that blessing, that my dad faithfully gave to me, and that I was able to find the faith to ask for, that I started to feel better and find peace again.

A Man and a Pit

I don't know why, but I love metaphors. Somehow, they connect the dots that more literal explanations often leave.

I LOVE this one. So very much. It explains our individual worth, the power of the Atonement, and all sorts of great things. I could talk about this one forever. Please read it and love it. And think about it, there is so much in this section from the Teachings of the Presidents of the Church: Joseph Fielding Smith. I seriously think there is a lot of depth and it helps me understand a ton.

http://www.lds.org/manual/teachings-of-presidents-of-the-church-joseph-fielding-smith/chapter-3-the-plan-of-salvation?lang=eng (Joseph Fielding Smith manual page 64)

"Let us illustrate: A man walking along the road happens to fall into a pit so deep and dark that he cannot climb to the surface and regain his freedom. How can he save himself from his predicament? Not by any exertions on his own part, for there is no means of escape in the pit. He calls for help, and some kindly disposed soul, hearing his cries for relief, hastens to his assistance and by lowering a ladder, gives to him the means by which he may climb again to the surface of the earth. This was precisely the condition that Adam placed himself and his posterity in, when he partook of the forbidden fruit. All being together in the pit, none could gain the surface and relieve the others. The pit was banishment from the presence of the Lord and temporal death, the dissolution of the body. And all being subject to death, none could provide the means of escape.

"The Savior comes along, not subject to that pit, and lowers the ladder. He comes down into the pit and makes it possible for us to use the ladder to escape.

"In his infinite mercy, the Father heard the cries of his children and sent his Only Begotten Son, who was not subject to death nor to sin, to provide the means of escape. This he did through his infinite atonement and the everlasting gospel."

Why Do You Care?

I believe in an immortal soul – and that things we do in this life shape us for eternity. And, if I feel like sinning (any sin…there are quite a lot of them), is separating us from where we’d really want to go if we understood how all the pieces fit together.

A girl in my ward today said, in discussing obedience, that if we don’t understand the law we’re given, we probably don’t understand the consequences of breaking that law – so God is protecting us from a really hard experience.

Lately, friends or friends-of-friends, who profess to have the same beliefs I do, have been saying things that I don’t agree with. Two friends, in particular, parrot the common “it doesn’t hurt you, so why do you care” argument – that can be hard to get people to see why I care. Let me see if I can explain…

Say someone was blindfolded and couldn’t see they were walking towards a cliff. Why would you care? It doesn’t hurt you. What if they like being blindfolded while walking in precarious areas? Who are you to tell them how to live their life? It’s a dumb example and I can hear criticism already. But at the same time, I kind of like it.

Let me try again. Everyone is blind and in a forest on the edge of a cliff – we know if we walk in a general direction, we will find a bridge that will take us to a great hospital so we can see again. But there is only one bridge, across the dangerous chasm. Well, a few people have made it to the bridge – were healed of blindness, and then tried to direct people the hospital. But why should the people who can’t see trust the ones that can? Especially when they’ve been led into rocks and trees, and had a lot of painful experiences because of well-intentioned people, it is incredibly hard to trust. Eventually, some people just make the best of their blindness (it’s definitely possible), and some live on the edge. It seems to me that there are infinite ways a person can fall off the cliff – and so naturally, those who know how to help, want to help people really reach their potential.  Why would we care? Because we value human life, potential for joy, and improvement.

So – all that is really left for us to do is to figure out if the people who are talking to us, offering to be guides, truly can see – truly care – and truly are called of God. And then, if we can find them, and we actually listen to them, we can help others stay away from cliffs – and sins – so they too can find a way to see more clearly. I don’t know if that makes sense. But that’s what I was thinking about today.

Once we can see that, we want to help others – even if all we know is there is a cliff around here somewhere, and another trusted person has told me what to stay away from, I’m going to do what I can to help you too.

Sixth Grade

Once, when I was in kindergarten or first grade, I was walking by the 6th grade classrooms. I thought of how smart they were and despaired to think that I wasn't ever going to be smart enough to make it in 6th grade. Well, I made it through that year, and then each year after that. Now I've been accepted to grad school, and I'm facing those same fears.

In church today, we discussed Christ - and who He truly is. He is someone who will help me through each day of my program. It will be a miracle, but as I learn to have faith in Him, He will show His power and plan for me. I don't know if that sentence makes sense... but somehow, with His help, I will be able to overcome huge obstacles and become more like my Savior.

God loves me

This is a paragraph from one of my all time favorite books, "The Continuous Atonement" by Brad Wilcox. I wanted to share it on my blog so that as you read it, you can feel of God's love for you, too.

"God loves me just as He loves His living prophets. I am one of the reasons for living prophets. God loves me just has He loves Joseph Smith. I am one of the reasons for the Restoration. God loves me just as He loves Jesus. I am one of the reasons for the Atonement. God loves people of every era just as He loved the people to whom Christ was sent in the meridian of time. Alma asked, 'Is not a soul at this time as precious unto God as a soul . . . at the time of His coming?' (Alma 39:17). Paul assured us that nothing can separate us from the love of God (see Romans 8:35-39). Jesus Himself said to ancient Israel, 'Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee" (Isaiah 49:15). " (page 134)

and

"No matter how deficient and beyond recovery I thought I was, God was bound to love me. No matter how many balls I had juggled and let fall, no matter how much weight I had gained, how much lack of self-control I demonstrated, and how many regrets I carried from the past, He was bound to love me. ... Earth life is not merely a way of proving myself to them, but also a way for them to prove their love to me. God and Jesus are bound to believe in me - in my potential and possibilities - even when I don't. ... He is a perfect parent. ... And knowing He has not failed gives me the power I need to succeed." (page 133)

It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile, journal-blog readers.

I'm not sure I have a good excuse except that life happens and I get distracted. I also feel like this blog helped me reconnect with my church attendance and its purpose may have been fulfilled (not to say that it isn't still useful).

At church today, I felt the Spirit again. There are many life questions, lots of pain, and it's hard to stay true to what we know, but as we consistently stay true to what we do know, what we do feel, then we are able to come unto Christ and find healing and find motivation to keep going.

Atonement and Becoming Better

Guys, since I've started this blog, I've come to know myself better. You'd think you already would know yourself... I mean, really. You're always talking to yourself. :) ANYway. I am coming to be a little more aware of who I am, what I want, and where I'm going.

First, I am grateful for the Atonement. I have really come to recognize and apply it in my life this past couple of years. I feel like I am in a prep / store-up for winter / type period in my life and so I am trying to write and remember and truly become a better person because of it. Hopefully I'll be ready when the next emergency / unexpected trial comes.

We have been taught so much lately, and it sounds (and probably is) ignorant of me to say, but I am doing much better than I realized / was aware of. And so much of that is because I have started trying to be more grateful. Do not be tempted to get me wrong - I have also discovered how far I really have to go - BUT it's nice to know that I have made some progress.

I am easily intimidated, which is something I'm working on. Until I overcome it, through the Atonement, I am working on just taking one day at a time and not worrying about trying to keep it up for the rest of my life.

Church today was full of the Spirit, we talked so much about the process of coming to know Christ, what things really mean in our lives, and how to more fully use the Atonement and recognize His hand in our lives. We also talked a lot about our motives - something I've been trying to understand about myself lately. Where I still am very self-centered, I have noticed occasions where I've thought of myself a little less than I would normally do, which is great. By the time I'm 100, hopefully I'll get it down. One day at a time though.

Anyway, those are my thoughts about church today.

Fast Sunday - Uchtdorf - New Calling

Hello, blog-journal-thing. Yesterday, I met President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, of the First Presidency. He shook my hand and it was nice. His wife is adorable.

Today at church, I was released from being a Gospel Doctrine instructor, which kind of makes me sad. I'm now the 1st counselor in the Relief Society. Do not get me wrong, this will be a good calling too - I just always like teaching... so anyway. :)

At church, it was Fast and Testimony meeting, which is always nice. Then I taught my last lesson - it went alright. It was on President Brigham Young, and the beginnings of the journey west. It was nice, people really brought up good points and it was a pretty good discussion. It wasn't my favorite lesson ever, but that's ok.

Relief Society we talked about temples and the importance of attending regularly. I definitely need to be better about that.

This week I was able to be part of some service activities which was a nice break from my usual self-centered-ness. :) I want to improve my attitude and feel like a more deliberate effort to be of service to others could really help. One step at a time.

Also, I have a testimony about bearing testimonies, ever since I heard Elder Holland's talk where he told us to lean on his strength when we need it, for some reason it just clicked more firmly for me. We need to hear reminders of other people's journeys, and their faith. It reminds us that we can have faith too. Surround yourself with goodness and strength, and you will be an example for others too.

Catch Up

Guys, I've been not very consistent at this lately - the trouble is that now I teach a lesson each week, so I feel like I get all my thoughts out there already.

Today I just wanted to express my gratitude for the people in my ward and the Spirit not giving up on me, guiding me in what questions to ask.

See, this week's lesson was really hard for me to know what to say, it was the martyrdom of Joseph Smith. So, I started to doubt that I could have a good lesson about this, but as I was diligent in asking for help - I found good questions. And the people in my ward really thought about them, and answered from their hearts and brought the Spirit even more into the lesson. So, it was great.

Of course, the rest of church is always really good. Today was really meaningful because going into it, I didn't know what I was going to say for this lesson, and every step of the way I was prompted to speak, or to ask, or to just listen to my friends share and teach all of us. It was great.