Remember

I've had an idea to help my life, blogging world.

I am going to try to 'unplug' as it were for the entire month of May, which does include my birthday. Naturally this isn't going to be entirely possible - I will still have my phone for basic contact, and I will still check my emails occasionally, though on a limited basis. And work I manage their social media so that doesn't get to count.

This is because I feel I am not able to remember what is important or learn new things because I am wasting my time. Oh, and I'll still write on this blog once a week to stay accountable for what I've learned at church. I'll probably keep you updated here as well.

See, all through church I kept noticing how tied we are to our forms of media, and where that isn't bad to have them, I need to make an improvement in my life.

The way I see it, we were sent to Earth with a veil of forgetfulness, and that seems to be the underlying cause of my errors - I forget. I get distracted. I lose focus. And so much of that in my life can be tied to seeking entertainment only through a series of flashing lights.

We need to learn to remember our Savior and develop a true relationship with Him, and I can't do that while I am distracted. See, when I look at so much of the social media, or entertainment in general, I forget to be grateful. And I see all the blessings of others, or all the possibilities, or adventures around me, and I compare myself to them. When I am feeling weak or out of place, I either judge others harshly or retreat into sadness. Neither option is very good. So, I need to take a month to develop a new reliance on God instead of mind-numbing distractions to keep me occupied "until I can have xyz to be happy". Anyway, I have found to make improvments in my life I need to be accountable to someone, and so I am going to be accountable here, and I will keep a record of the things I've noticed, learned, or appreciated on this blog, while I've been away from my distractions. Hopefully I'll really come to know my Savior when I stop letting little things isolate me from those closest to me, and treasure the blessings He has given me.

So, I will be retreating for a month. I will catch up, I'm sure, with all my friends' birthdays, weddings, funny pictures, engagements, and general well-wishes in June. Not a big deal, really, but I will let you know if I notice a difference.

Gratitude

Gratitude isn’t something I’m ‘good’ at. I am a ‘realist’ and so often forget to look for the blessings in life. I tend to see all good things that happen as a reward of my effort and all the bad things as ‘________ is against me’ (whoever/whatever is at ‘fault’ besides me). I’ve only begun to really notice as I’ve felt the bitterness entrench itself a little deeper in my heart.

In my patriarchal blessing it talks about how I’m a ‘happy’ person, and lately I’ve been almost mocking that, and then a sweet coworker left a note at my desk saying she was grateful I was so sweet and happy to her. I couldn’t understand it, when had I been happy, cheerful, or sweet at work? Didn’t work make me tired and feel lonely for sitting by myself all day?

That got me to look back over the week, and I realized how happy I was at work – the people there are not just ‘coworkers’ they are my friends and I am actually happy when I am with them.

Since early November, I’ve had a little gratitude journal where I write a few things every day, of what I am grateful for that day. When I was asked to start one it came with all sorts of stats about how it would make my life so much happier – and all I could see was how my life has spun downward, this ‘gratitude thing’ wasn’t working.

I’m not there yet – but at church today I received a key clarifier – in the hymn, “How Great Thou Art” it has a line that says something about our Savior was glad to hang on the cross and suffering for us. At first, my immediate reaction was sarcastic – “oh I bet He was just SO HAPPY to be suffering” and then I realized that you don’t have to have a life free from pain to be happy and grateful to be where you are.

Later in Relief Society, we were given a beautiful lesson where my heart opened up. And at the end, our instructor gave us a little notebook that says “I am awesome – Reasons I like being me” and it may sound super cheesy – but this is going to be a challenge for me, it’s a whole notebook. But I did come up with one to start out, and maybe I’ll just find one a day, but hey, I’ve got a whole life.

Gratitude is a process and it is something I desperately need to develop, but I’m on my way. The Atonement is infinitely powerful and can help my heart heal from my selfish pride and egocentric views. I’ve started taking my acknowledgement of blessings past the gratitude journal reflection time I have at the end of the day, and I’ve finally begun the path to becoming a grateful person – to feel it in my heart and not just mentally acknowledge that I ‘should’ be grateful. I know that when I look to my Savior in true gratitude and recognition for the blessings in my life, I will be happy. Even if it means being glad I can suffer this pain to learn a new lesson to help me get to know Him better.

Reason I like being me #1: My Savior loves and helps me and that definitely counts for something big. And I am grateful for His gentle hand as He shows me just how far I need to go and also my next step to get there. With His help, I’ll master this thing called gratitude and remember Him always.

Better AND Worse

What did I learn at church today? That I am doing simultaneously better and worse than I thought I was doing.

I finally went to the singles ward for my stake. And I was much more emotional and nervous about it than I thought I would be - or at least should be. I have been to so many new wards and branches already, and most on my own, but this one actually had me teary before and during the meeting just from the challenge of it all. I think so much of it felt like succumbing to my current life, giving up the fight, and feeling forced into a life I didn't want for myself.

This resulted in a lot of bitterness in my heart - showing that I am doing worse in my quest to become like my Savior - that I am giving in to pride, fear, and laziness. This worries me. I had hoped on a self-reflection, I could at least see some improvement in these attributes that have plagued me for years. Instead, I feel like I'm going backwards even though I am desperately trying to improve.

But, that shows what is better - at least to me. I probably have improved... I can't really see it, but maybe I didn't know how bad I was... right? Or maybe, it is like how you don't realize how dirty something is until you start to clean it... I don't know. But, they reminded me at church today that God hasn't given up on me. I don't know what my life holds, and I don't know how long I'll feel stuck - or separated - unable to progress, but I will continue to look for ways to learn from my struggles and develop my relationship with my Savior.

It scares me how much of Laman and Lemuel, the children of Israel, and others, I see in myself. And I want so much to be faithful like Nephi. Sigh. Well. Maybe one day I'll get there. For today, I will keep working on it, and learning to turn to the Lord much faster and in more humility than I've done before.

General Conference April 2013

What a weekend.