I have had a lot of experiences which need to be written
down. They all relate together because they’re my life right now, but for
clarity, I will try to sort them out. *Caution* messy post, my thoughts are
still really jumbled and such, but I do feel it is an important first step so I
press forward.
Traveling and Life –
First, I have traveled almost all over the Great Britain. I
haven’t made it to Northern Ireland, so not the UK. BUT still. And I’ve also lately
been to Paris and to Portugal. So, lots of traveling has been going on.
Sometimes it has been in a larger group, a couple friends, and occasionally by
myself. I can’t quite decide which is my ideal size of traveling companions, because
each have their pros and cons and I’m still not sure which ones are most
important to me. For example, traveling alone is great because I get some
quality “thinking” or “me” time, I set the agenda and don’t have to try to
please anyone else. But sometimes, like in Lisbon, I get hopelessly lost and
can only say that “I don’t speak Portuguese” in Portuguese, and getting lost
with friends is a bit more fun... haha. :) Traveling in a big group is lovely,
lots of friends and fun, you get to create wonderful new memories and inside
jokes. But, I’m a born people-pleaser, and sometimes I sacrifice “too much” to
try to fit in or keep everyone happy. Going with just a couple people kind of
combines the pros and cons of each – like, I can still have quiet time and
create new memories with friends, but it’s different. So. Yes. Mixed bag. Lots
of new thoughts and experiences to reflect on. Anyway, lots of travel already
this month and a few more trips planned. But that’s on a different blog.
Health –
So, exactly two weeks ago I fainted. I was in a temple doing
some service, and was kneeling at the time, when I just collapsed. I never
fully lost consciousness and it was a very peaceful experience actually. A bit
disembodied though. Anyway since then, it has been quite easy for me to almost
faint and I have had quite a weird experience in my head – it doesn’t hurt
exactly, but down from my occipital lobe up to my frontal lobe – i.e., all over
my head, it feels funny. Almost squeezed? Like when you wring out a rag? And I’ve
seriously came close to fainting at least 3 other times since then – plus weird
hints of it, in addition to headaches and other stomach/digestive concerns. So,
tomorrow I’m off to my first free health care experience since moving to the UK
– at least, I’m finally going to my school’s clinic.
Today I received a special blessing from Elder Jim Phillips
who is a senior missionary here for the YSA in London. I love him and his wife
(Sister Starla Phillips). They are so loving and strong. In addition to the
blessing, they made sure I promised to go to the doctor and let them know what
the doctors say. Elder Phillips hopes they refer me to a neurologist but I’m trying
to convince myself that nothing is wrong. See, the thing is, I’ve always had
funny health – and it’s because my brain is quite influential over my physical
experience, so like when I’m stressed, I have a stomach ache. And once when I
was almost fainting, all I had to do was tell myself to breathe and think about
something else because my stress was making it a bigger deal than it was, and
then I was fine. But, over the last two weeks I’ve kept feeling this little voice
“You should probably just go see a doctor” – and since it’s free, hopefully I’ll
be able to see one tomorrow. I will at least register and set an appointment. I’m
not actually sure how it works. So we’ll see.
Spiritual –
This should be its own blog, or maybe a couple posts, but I’m too tired. Again,
it all merges and overlaps. It’s hard to explain. I’m learning that
it is time for me to re-examine some things I’ve put up on my shelf. It might
not change anything, it might not change how I feel – but let me give an
example. There are a few things that get muddled in my head very quickly. Like
what gratitude or worship really are. So, I deeply appreciate lessons where we
talk about these things and I can pull out my little box, reorganize it and
take out some of the junk that gets thrown in there. With the devotional and
experience up in Sunderland, my health, and also today’s institute lesson and
blessing, I’ve found a few things that need to be examined and de-cluttered.
First, I’m doing this production of “the Lamb of God” by Rob
Gardner, with YSA from all over the UK which is really special. We had our
first performance up in the top north east corner of England this last weekend,
they were such loving hosts and the whole weekend was an experience I will
treasure. Throughout the performance, their faces were kind of blank, it was
hard to tell if they liked it. But at the end, most jumped to their feet and
applauded (even though we were in the chapel – they had permission). This
feeling of joy and love radiated and even my hard heart (lately…) felt it,
which was lovely. Apparently they had something like 30-70 non-member /
investigators there, so that was special. Also, my friend noticed a young man
with Downs Syndrome sitting in between his parents, who at the time when Christ
was in Gethsemane, grasped both parents with this intense look, and love. I
wish I saw that, but am so grateful she shared it with me. I love being part of
something which changes lives, even for just a few days. (“A good talk is one
that makes it to Tuesday” – we have this tendency to forget things and go back
to normal. A goal of mine is to be constantly uplifted, and grow strong enough
to at least “make it to Wednesday” – and keep getting better)
Afterwards, their stake president, President Deacon, gave us
a beautiful devotional on faith. My major takeaways were that first, I need to
step up in my faith. I have this tendency to “put things on a shelf” rather
quickly, to just “not think about it,” and try to move on. One of those things
is this nagging thing about marriage. He blatantly told us {me} not to give up and
think that I will never get married in this life. Mmm… I kind of have, but I am
trying to back-pedal that decision. I just don’t see it happening. He gave an
example of his faithful wife, being told medically she couldn’t have kids – but
she trusted the promise in her patriarchal blessing that she would bear
children. And so she maintained that and they now have two children –
naturally. So, I need to learn how to trust the promise in my patriarchal
blessing, that I will get married. No, it does not say when – and I need to
learn that I don’t need to decide that for me/God, but I need to be open to it
and open to the possibility of it not happening. So. Here’s to trying. Which
relates to my second takeaway – he talked about Lazarus being raised from the
dead, and how Christ asked the people to remove the stone and take the
wrappings off. He asked them to do what they could, even if it wasn’t “big” or “significant”
or really had anything to do with the actual miracle. So thinking about that, I
need to learn how to do what I can. So, I shall practice that. One day at a
time.
The testimony meeting the next day was remarkable. My dear
friend Harriet played her cello and it soothed my soul. Those who bore their
testimony did so with power and love. However, throughout it, my heart felt a
bit untouched. Until the last couple testimonies. It got me to confront some
things in my heart, and realize the importance of these things that I’d “put on
the shelf” – and that it was time to resort them. (Things get shuffled about in
a move, and I’ve been doing a lot of moving, haha. But really.) Some of the
things which need to be sorted are already mentioned. But the one during
testimony meeting is this deeply held belief that … I’m not sure how to put it
to words exactly, nothing I’m thinking quite captures it, and writing it down –
like I know, but I don’t know or rather feel it. It is
related to feeling worthless, but I know I’m not – but just, somehow, I feel
like I have to try so hard, that I’m not worth bothering about. Maybe an
example will help? In the Lamb of God, I’m one of the many second sopranos. My
friends are the cello soloist, a narrator, and a soloist. If I were to miss a
performance, no one would ever know. And I know technically, any of them “could”
be replaced too, but it isn’t the same. And I have been joking that I’m just there
for the numbers, or to make the choir look fuller – because my voice is quiet
and doesn’t make a difference. And I feel like that with my life. I mean, I’m
not hurting anything and I can lift a few hands along my way, but really, it
isn’t anything noteworthy or like, if I ceased existing, I would be missed but
life would go on without me – and I know that is technically how it would be
for anyone – “In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life:
it goes on." - Robert Frost. But it hurts just the same. I want to feel
like to someone I really matter… I may be just another person to the world, but
to someone I selfishly want to be their “world” – or at least a major part of
it (I’d never actually want to be someone’s entire world – I hate being sung to
on my birthday, let alone being the focus of someone’s entire life… plus if I
were to die, I would want to be missed but I don’t want to ruin their life…anyway).
I love how *naively* I thought I could be so concise in this blog post.
Today’s institute lesson focused on “Healing = Courage + Action
+ Grace” a talk in a BYU Devotional given by a professor in the counseling
department. I’ve heard this talk before – and at one point early in the
discussion, Elder Phillips looked at me and said “Cristina, I can’t believe you don’t have a comment” – I
guess I comment a. LOT. I’ve been quieter lately, and it’s a mix between loving
to listen to other people and feeling like they all say it better than me, so I
don’t need to say anything. But the problem is, I learn what I think when I speak
or when I write… so I need to at least write stuff down. I had so many
thoughts, but all were small and somewhat disconnected – like how courage /
action / grace / healing are so connected – and yet so easy – yes, we are
called to suffer sometimes, and called to put in effort. But usually the best
effort we can put in is to turn to God. So, yes. Mmm. I also thought about this
video I helped make when we asked these guys in our ward, spontaneously (with a
video camera), what true beauty is, what is divine worth, and what would you
say to a girl in the ward who doesn’t feel that, doesn’t feel beautiful or
worth something. Lately, I’ve been thinking about how there isn’t anything I
could say to them or to me – one of those girls – except that the only way to
get over that is to learn what God thinks of me/them. It’s this deeply personal
and spiritual need to learn how to believe God, to know how He sees us, and
feel that about ourselves and others.
The other thing that struck me was that the speaker said,
basically, that it was ok to be mad at God because He can take it. I would add
the caveat that it’s ok to be mad as long as you take it to Him in prayer and
continue being faithful. It reminds me of what I distinctly learned with an old
roommate, who tried to always be happy, even immediately after a hard breakup.
I had this moment of insight that it was ok and necessary to be sad, to learn
how to experience that emotion. Today, I think I had a similar one where I need
to learn to be mad, angry, or hurt about some things in my life. Yes, eternally
they are all going to be fine – I trust that promise. But – I can’t rob myself
of the experience of that emotion. I need to open my heart more to emotion,
though I am scared what being angry might do. I hope I continue to faithfully
turn to God in prayer, to feel, understand, and heal from this hurt. So. That
was an interesting thing to learn – usually it’s a message of peace, which it
is, but it is complicated. I’ve been stuck. So I need to take a step forward and
ask hard questions, and experience emotions again.
My last little section is on the blessing and chat I had
with the Phillips. Special fact: they went to Jerusalem in 2013, and
consecrated holy oil by the Garden Tomb, and so in my blessing today they used
that. I am not sure that where it was consecrated necessarily makes it any
“better” but it makes it special and helps me feel loved, and it helps me feel
of their faith and inspires me to have faith too.
The blessing itself was full of love. I could feel Elder
Phillips truly communicating with God and it felt like I was being brought
closer to heaven. It was personal, loving, and powerful. I don’t quite know. I
still feel a bit weird in my head… and a bit disconnected from spiritual
things, but it was there even if I couldn’t quite feel it all the way. Before
the blessing, I had a good but too short chat with them about me – specifically
about health and then about dating and such. Sister Phillips says I need to be
better about giving the “green light” and Elder Phillips said in the blessing
to have courage not to change who I am out of loneliness, so a slightly mixed
message, but I think both are true. Basically, no I don’t have to change who I
am – but I need to do what I can, which will be clearer after I’ve done a lot
of prayer and soul searching, and time – I think time is going to be very
important. SO I shall continue to practice doing what I can each day. I will
practice more confidently trusting and loving people, I will practice doing good
things even when tired, and in the lesson – it talked about grace being the
enabling power to continue after our natural desires – this is hopeful because
lately I’ve been feeling fresh out of desire for… well, truthfully, anything
except sleep. And maybe a cookie. Haha. Overall, I am feeling better. I need a
lot of help – even making time to have these moments of introspection and
honesty with self and God, which are so crucial to healing. But I would so like
to be healed – a process which takes time. For now, that means stopping writing
and going to sleep. I do feel better, spiritually, like a few things have at
least begun to be sorted out. There is so much more work to be done though! I
pray that I won’t be intimidated by the amount of work and cower from it, but
instead boldly move forward one step at a time with Christ, who is the source
and Master Healer.
