Catching Up and Sorting Thoughts

I have had a lot of experiences which need to be written down. They all relate together because they’re my life right now, but for clarity, I will try to sort them out. *Caution* messy post, my thoughts are still really jumbled and such, but I do feel it is an important first step so I press forward.

Traveling and Life –

First, I have traveled almost all over the Great Britain. I haven’t made it to Northern Ireland, so not the UK. BUT still. And I’ve also lately been to Paris and to Portugal. So, lots of traveling has been going on. Sometimes it has been in a larger group, a couple friends, and occasionally by myself. I can’t quite decide which is my ideal size of traveling companions, because each have their pros and cons and I’m still not sure which ones are most important to me. For example, traveling alone is great because I get some quality “thinking” or “me” time, I set the agenda and don’t have to try to please anyone else. But sometimes, like in Lisbon, I get hopelessly lost and can only say that “I don’t speak Portuguese” in Portuguese, and getting lost with friends is a bit more fun... haha. :) Traveling in a big group is lovely, lots of friends and fun, you get to create wonderful new memories and inside jokes. But, I’m a born people-pleaser, and sometimes I sacrifice “too much” to try to fit in or keep everyone happy. Going with just a couple people kind of combines the pros and cons of each – like, I can still have quiet time and create new memories with friends, but it’s different. So. Yes. Mixed bag. Lots of new thoughts and experiences to reflect on. Anyway, lots of travel already this month and a few more trips planned. But that’s on a different blog.  

Health –

So, exactly two weeks ago I fainted. I was in a temple doing some service, and was kneeling at the time, when I just collapsed. I never fully lost consciousness and it was a very peaceful experience actually. A bit disembodied though. Anyway since then, it has been quite easy for me to almost faint and I have had quite a weird experience in my head – it doesn’t hurt exactly, but down from my occipital lobe up to my frontal lobe – i.e., all over my head, it feels funny. Almost squeezed? Like when you wring out a rag? And I’ve seriously came close to fainting at least 3 other times since then – plus weird hints of it, in addition to headaches and other stomach/digestive concerns. So, tomorrow I’m off to my first free health care experience since moving to the UK – at least, I’m finally going to my school’s clinic.

Today I received a special blessing from Elder Jim Phillips who is a senior missionary here for the YSA in London. I love him and his wife (Sister Starla Phillips). They are so loving and strong. In addition to the blessing, they made sure I promised to go to the doctor and let them know what the doctors say. Elder Phillips hopes they refer me to a neurologist but I’m trying to convince myself that nothing is wrong. See, the thing is, I’ve always had funny health – and it’s because my brain is quite influential over my physical experience, so like when I’m stressed, I have a stomach ache. And once when I was almost fainting, all I had to do was tell myself to breathe and think about something else because my stress was making it a bigger deal than it was, and then I was fine. But, over the last two weeks I’ve kept feeling this little voice “You should probably just go see a doctor” – and since it’s free, hopefully I’ll be able to see one tomorrow. I will at least register and set an appointment. I’m not actually sure how it works. So we’ll see.

Spiritual –

This should be its own blog, or maybe a couple posts, but I’m too tired. Again, it all merges and overlaps. It’s hard to explain. I’m learning that it is time for me to re-examine some things I’ve put up on my shelf. It might not change anything, it might not change how I feel – but let me give an example. There are a few things that get muddled in my head very quickly. Like what gratitude or worship really are. So, I deeply appreciate lessons where we talk about these things and I can pull out my little box, reorganize it and take out some of the junk that gets thrown in there. With the devotional and experience up in Sunderland, my health, and also today’s institute lesson and blessing, I’ve found a few things that need to be examined and de-cluttered.

First, I’m doing this production of “the Lamb of God” by Rob Gardner, with YSA from all over the UK which is really special. We had our first performance up in the top north east corner of England this last weekend, they were such loving hosts and the whole weekend was an experience I will treasure. Throughout the performance, their faces were kind of blank, it was hard to tell if they liked it. But at the end, most jumped to their feet and applauded (even though we were in the chapel – they had permission). This feeling of joy and love radiated and even my hard heart (lately…) felt it, which was lovely. Apparently they had something like 30-70 non-member / investigators there, so that was special. Also, my friend noticed a young man with Downs Syndrome sitting in between his parents, who at the time when Christ was in Gethsemane, grasped both parents with this intense look, and love. I wish I saw that, but am so grateful she shared it with me. I love being part of something which changes lives, even for just a few days. (“A good talk is one that makes it to Tuesday” – we have this tendency to forget things and go back to normal. A goal of mine is to be constantly uplifted, and grow strong enough to at least “make it to Wednesday” – and keep getting better)

Afterwards, their stake president, President Deacon, gave us a beautiful devotional on faith. My major takeaways were that first, I need to step up in my faith. I have this tendency to “put things on a shelf” rather quickly, to just “not think about it,” and try to move on. One of those things is this nagging thing about marriage. He blatantly told us {me} not to give up and think that I will never get married in this life. Mmm… I kind of have, but I am trying to back-pedal that decision. I just don’t see it happening. He gave an example of his faithful wife, being told medically she couldn’t have kids – but she trusted the promise in her patriarchal blessing that she would bear children. And so she maintained that and they now have two children – naturally. So, I need to learn how to trust the promise in my patriarchal blessing, that I will get married. No, it does not say when – and I need to learn that I don’t need to decide that for me/God, but I need to be open to it and open to the possibility of it not happening. So. Here’s to trying. Which relates to my second takeaway – he talked about Lazarus being raised from the dead, and how Christ asked the people to remove the stone and take the wrappings off. He asked them to do what they could, even if it wasn’t “big” or “significant” or really had anything to do with the actual miracle. So thinking about that, I need to learn how to do what I can. So, I shall practice that. One day at a time.

The testimony meeting the next day was remarkable. My dear friend Harriet played her cello and it soothed my soul. Those who bore their testimony did so with power and love. However, throughout it, my heart felt a bit untouched. Until the last couple testimonies. It got me to confront some things in my heart, and realize the importance of these things that I’d “put on the shelf” – and that it was time to resort them. (Things get shuffled about in a move, and I’ve been doing a lot of moving, haha. But really.) Some of the things which need to be sorted are already mentioned. But the one during testimony meeting is this deeply held belief that … I’m not sure how to put it to words exactly, nothing I’m thinking quite captures it, and writing it down – like I know, but I don’t know or rather feel it. It is related to feeling worthless, but I know I’m not – but just, somehow, I feel like I have to try so hard, that I’m not worth bothering about. Maybe an example will help? In the Lamb of God, I’m one of the many second sopranos. My friends are the cello soloist, a narrator, and a soloist. If I were to miss a performance, no one would ever know. And I know technically, any of them “could” be replaced too, but it isn’t the same. And I have been joking that I’m just there for the numbers, or to make the choir look fuller – because my voice is quiet and doesn’t make a difference. And I feel like that with my life. I mean, I’m not hurting anything and I can lift a few hands along my way, but really, it isn’t anything noteworthy or like, if I ceased existing, I would be missed but life would go on without me – and I know that is technically how it would be for anyone – “In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost. But it hurts just the same. I want to feel like to someone I really matter… I may be just another person to the world, but to someone I selfishly want to be their “world” – or at least a major part of it (I’d never actually want to be someone’s entire world – I hate being sung to on my birthday, let alone being the focus of someone’s entire life… plus if I were to die, I would want to be missed but I don’t want to ruin their life…anyway). I love how *naively* I thought I could be so concise in this blog post.

Today’s institute lesson focused on “Healing = Courage + Action + Grace” a talk in a BYU Devotional given by a professor in the counseling department. I’ve heard this talk before – and at one point early in the discussion, Elder Phillips looked at me and said “Cristina, I can’t believe you don’t have a comment” – I guess I comment a. LOT. I’ve been quieter lately, and it’s a mix between loving to listen to other people and feeling like they all say it better than me, so I don’t need to say anything. But the problem is, I learn what I think when I speak or when I write… so I need to at least write stuff down. I had so many thoughts, but all were small and somewhat disconnected – like how courage / action / grace / healing are so connected – and yet so easy – yes, we are called to suffer sometimes, and called to put in effort. But usually the best effort we can put in is to turn to God. So, yes. Mmm. I also thought about this video I helped make when we asked these guys in our ward, spontaneously (with a video camera), what true beauty is, what is divine worth, and what would you say to a girl in the ward who doesn’t feel that, doesn’t feel beautiful or worth something. Lately, I’ve been thinking about how there isn’t anything I could say to them or to me – one of those girls – except that the only way to get over that is to learn what God thinks of me/them. It’s this deeply personal and spiritual need to learn how to believe God, to know how He sees us, and feel that about ourselves and others.

The other thing that struck me was that the speaker said, basically, that it was ok to be mad at God because He can take it. I would add the caveat that it’s ok to be mad as long as you take it to Him in prayer and continue being faithful. It reminds me of what I distinctly learned with an old roommate, who tried to always be happy, even immediately after a hard breakup. I had this moment of insight that it was ok and necessary to be sad, to learn how to experience that emotion. Today, I think I had a similar one where I need to learn to be mad, angry, or hurt about some things in my life. Yes, eternally they are all going to be fine – I trust that promise. But – I can’t rob myself of the experience of that emotion. I need to open my heart more to emotion, though I am scared what being angry might do. I hope I continue to faithfully turn to God in prayer, to feel, understand, and heal from this hurt. So. That was an interesting thing to learn – usually it’s a message of peace, which it is, but it is complicated. I’ve been stuck. So I need to take a step forward and ask hard questions, and experience emotions again.

My last little section is on the blessing and chat I had with the Phillips. Special fact: they went to Jerusalem in 2013, and consecrated holy oil by the Garden Tomb, and so in my blessing today they used that. I am not sure that where it was consecrated necessarily makes it any “better” but it makes it special and helps me feel loved, and it helps me feel of their faith and inspires me to have faith too.

The blessing itself was full of love. I could feel Elder Phillips truly communicating with God and it felt like I was being brought closer to heaven. It was personal, loving, and powerful. I don’t quite know. I still feel a bit weird in my head… and a bit disconnected from spiritual things, but it was there even if I couldn’t quite feel it all the way. Before the blessing, I had a good but too short chat with them about me – specifically about health and then about dating and such. Sister Phillips says I need to be better about giving the “green light” and Elder Phillips said in the blessing to have courage not to change who I am out of loneliness, so a slightly mixed message, but I think both are true. Basically, no I don’t have to change who I am – but I need to do what I can, which will be clearer after I’ve done a lot of prayer and soul searching, and time – I think time is going to be very important. SO I shall continue to practice doing what I can each day. I will practice more confidently trusting and loving people, I will practice doing good things even when tired, and in the lesson – it talked about grace being the enabling power to continue after our natural desires – this is hopeful because lately I’ve been feeling fresh out of desire for… well, truthfully, anything except sleep. And maybe a cookie. Haha. Overall, I am feeling better. I need a lot of help – even making time to have these moments of introspection and honesty with self and God, which are so crucial to healing. But I would so like to be healed – a process which takes time. For now, that means stopping writing and going to sleep. I do feel better, spiritually, like a few things have at least begun to be sorted out. There is so much more work to be done though! I pray that I won’t be intimidated by the amount of work and cower from it, but instead boldly move forward one step at a time with Christ, who is the source and Master Healer.