Better AND Worse

What did I learn at church today? That I am doing simultaneously better and worse than I thought I was doing.

I finally went to the singles ward for my stake. And I was much more emotional and nervous about it than I thought I would be - or at least should be. I have been to so many new wards and branches already, and most on my own, but this one actually had me teary before and during the meeting just from the challenge of it all. I think so much of it felt like succumbing to my current life, giving up the fight, and feeling forced into a life I didn't want for myself.

This resulted in a lot of bitterness in my heart - showing that I am doing worse in my quest to become like my Savior - that I am giving in to pride, fear, and laziness. This worries me. I had hoped on a self-reflection, I could at least see some improvement in these attributes that have plagued me for years. Instead, I feel like I'm going backwards even though I am desperately trying to improve.

But, that shows what is better - at least to me. I probably have improved... I can't really see it, but maybe I didn't know how bad I was... right? Or maybe, it is like how you don't realize how dirty something is until you start to clean it... I don't know. But, they reminded me at church today that God hasn't given up on me. I don't know what my life holds, and I don't know how long I'll feel stuck - or separated - unable to progress, but I will continue to look for ways to learn from my struggles and develop my relationship with my Savior.

It scares me how much of Laman and Lemuel, the children of Israel, and others, I see in myself. And I want so much to be faithful like Nephi. Sigh. Well. Maybe one day I'll get there. For today, I will keep working on it, and learning to turn to the Lord much faster and in more humility than I've done before.