Complacent?

Lots of thoughts and feelings were had at church today, but the main one seems to be the idea that I have become quite disconnected from who I was. Living in London has changed me - I am not sure that all ways have been for the better. I feel quite disconnected from my faith, from God, from growth in that area. I've spent a lot of time trying to help others, maybe not enough, but somewhere along the way, I got myself a bit lost.



I got really good at being silent - of not speaking up or drawing attention to myself. I was already a little like that before, but now it is more of an issue because I have stopped thinking - I've become more go-with-the-flow, more fade into the background, and no longer have thoughts to share with others. Obviously I've not thought out this blog post, but do I ever? It's much more stream of consciousness, trying to discover what I even feel any more. I feel like I'm being sat on... haha... everything is heavy, staying home is heavy, leaving is heavy, no where seems that important to go to. As I'm writing this, I am contemplating the definition of depression... but I think in my case it's much more situational - context dependent - and hopefully I'll get myself moving towards another goal here soon and shake off the dust that has been accumulating.

See, I know I'm not "supposed" to just "wait" for something to change in order to be happy - but I am rather aimless these days. I don't know what I want, and have to come up with at most weekly goals in order to feel like I have some kind of purpose. I would like a bigger picture goal to be working towards, to feel like I am making progress again. Right now, my life feels rather meaningless and like I have wasted a lot of potential, a lot of education, time, and money and I am a bit useless at the moment. I putt around the house, trying to help out a little - but my efforts are a bit pathetic. I just don't feel like I belong here any more. I feel out of place and lost.

And until I find my way again, I will continue to read my scriptures everyday, as much as I can. I will continue to pray, to reflect, to go to church, to serve where I can, and do my best to find a way forward - to get unstuck. Hopefully soon I will find the "rescue" that I feel like I need - the little bit of direction and meaning to get myself moving again, but until then, I shall do my best to be positive and to do what I can each day to do good.

These are my feelings right now.

Oh - I never explained about the title. A talk today discussed being complacent, and this is what sparked my thoughts and this post. I can't decide if I'm being complacent in my faith - or I guess a better question would be "in what ways am I being complacent, and how can I change that to be more actively engaged in my faith?" I feel like I have continued to try each day, but I do feel I have been slipping. I just can't seem to get any traction forward, but I am not sure if it is truly because I am complacent - though of course I am in some ways very complacent, so it may be more pervasive than I would like to think.