Making it up as I go

Unfortunately I do not have time or inclination to update this blog of my adventures in between now and my last post. I've just been reading a friend's blog and realized just how behind I am on my own blogs. In my lame defense, my computer has been broken for about 3 months and I've only been able to use my phone. However, I could have been more diligent.



Ok.

Well, my life is in such a state that I'm entirely making it up as I go along. I'm trying to be faithful but I fear I'm just being slothful and wishy-washy.

My masters program finished up in September, and I stayed in London till my brother got married through Christmas, then I decided to go back for January, and before I left I decided I had to come back, even though it would just be for a visit. And so now, I'm at my parents' house - which is a cabin up in Provo Canyon - for about a month before I go back to London for two months. "To do what?" I don't know.

Part of me wants to be faithful and go where it is right. The rest of me has been praying and struggling to figure out what my next step is for about a year and a half now and this is the only thing I want to do and I haven't felt like I need to do something else [unless I'm just ignoring it out of pride or something... but I'm trying not to do that]. So that's what I'm trying to do. And so I feel like even if it is not a financially wise decision for me now, I don't know what would be better.

Since I've been back in Utah, I've been going to my parents' ward instead of the YSA ward. Partially out of fear and then also because I no longer have a car. But mostly fear... today I was in charge of nursery while my dad drove my mom home, as there was only one child there. I managed to hit my head on a corner of a toy closet door, and it really hurt! I don't know that there's a metaphor there to the rest of my life, but sometimes life really hurts.

These days, I feel helpless, which is a bit ridiculous as I have been well educated, I have so many resources and help, I have so much to be grateful for, but I don't have a direction. There's this guy I'm sort of dating, who's back in London... and I'd love to try to plan my future with him in it, but I can't always tell if he wants me in his future. I think I may be trying to go too fast or something. I don't know. But then other times I think I'm just over-analyzing it as I have way too much time on my hands and I'm alone, bored, and have a lot on my mind. And we've only been chatting/messaging through texts, so it is very possible that I am letting fear hold too great a position in my mind. Ah but we're such long-time companions, fear and I... I'm sorry for the weirdness of this post, unfortunately my mind is lacking focus right now.

I feel like the child in nursery today who had so many options for toys because he was the only one there, so he just kept running between them all, playing with each one for a moment. I don't know what I want and or what I can do about it. My life is too in flux right now. I feel like the guy I was talking about earlier is just waiting for me to forget about him or for him to decide whatever we have isn't worth working on and for him to leave me. But then that's how I'm trying to brace myself for the pain I feel is imminent.

I'd love to let go, to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing and as long as I try my best, my mistakes won't be eternal ones. And often times I even believe that... but there's so much of me that is just so scared and so tired, and so confused! I don't see anything clearly, I am struggling to make any kind of decision because I'm so easily intimidated - so I am trying to either rush into decisions - like going back to London - or put them off, like dating or a career.

I am in so much student debt. Like seriously a lot... and I don't see a way out. No one is hiring right now, I know of maybe two people who got a job after our program, oh and then two guys from the ward. I just feel directionless and hopeless on the job front. I get so bored in a job, I feel so stuck, that I'm just avoiding it all together, but then I spend most of my days watching Netflix and ignoring everything in my life. I need projects, I need to be busy, to be working on something.

If I continue to write, I think I'm just going to be writing these same feelings and thoughts over and over. I need to find a way to settle down and trust in the Lord, even if nothing concrete changes in my life.

Update: in the five minutes since I published this, I read another post on here that I wrote specifically for me before I left for London. I only vaguely remember writing this letter, but I wrote it in faith and I wrote things which really helped me settle at least a little bit. I expressed love, gratitude, faith, and wisdom I think. I don't really feel strong enough to write such a thing right now, but I do feel that strength is in me somewhere. I would like to find it again. To be honest, I think London was scarier, more stressful, and challenging than it felt at the time - which is pretty nice. But now I feel like ...maybe hungover? I don't know from experience. But it's just, I feel there is a lot of rest I need to do, to regroup and let my mind settle and be uplifted again. Like my financial debt, I may be in a bit of an "resilience debt" that I hadn't realized with everything that was going on. I was able to get by in London with very little memorable stress, but I think it took more of a toll than I realized. BUT I do believe I can get back to where I was when I wrote the letter and then continue climbing higher.