Sorry I didn't write last week, journal {and anyone reading this}. I have just moved from the BYU Bubble all the way to... Orem. I know, quite a move.
It brought with it a lot of changes, even though the geographic change is barely noticeable.
I don't quite feel alone, but I don't know how I've been feeling lately, because I am definitely the most alone I have ever been, and sometimes it can be quite hard. It's not that people aren't around, I have a Korean roommate and she has lots of her friends over quite often, but I definitely feel out of place, and yet right where I should be.
Last week I couldn't find my ward and that's when it really hit me that I was alone. I didn't have my usual support systems in place and though was fine, it made me wake up to the reality of faith a little more. I didn't have internet and so forgot to write about it here, for which I apologize. It was hard, not knowing quite where I fit, and that I didn't have a ward and couldn't pay tithing, and all sorts of things came to my awareness.
I found it this week and where I wasn't immediately overwhelmed with unshakable understanding and the windows of heaven opening revealing in all majesty that this is where I am supposed to be, I am confident that I will grow to learn that.
One thing that really stuck out to me today is that I need to pray for more humility, that I may yield my heart to God. I definitely struggle in yielding my heart. I've been wanting to find ways to be of more service to my God and those around me and have felt so lost at what I could possibly do. I know as I pray that I can find ways, through the guidance of the Spirit, that I can use my talents to serve in the Kingdom of God.
It is by turning to God that I can find who I truly am. Not just who I say I am, and not just who God says I am, but the truth... if that makes sense. Lately I've been thinking about that, truth v. just what God says (yes, I know God is a God of Truth), and I was at peace again knowing that God could show truth unto me.
I've also been thinking about how we all want to be important. We want our roles to be ... like Harry Potter, or something. We want to be important, valued, and needed. I was given a blessing today, as were my siblings, and in it, we heard how we were important. I often hear that and am cynical (not one of my better attributes), thinking that important could definitely mean different things, but not necessarily one of a kind, not necessarily the Chosen One, or whatever. I just have to remember that it is like a puzzle. One piece is not greater than the other, and we are not complete without each other, and my piece is very valued, even if it is not the picture in its entirety. See, even Harry Potter didn't do it on his own, he didn't even do it with just Hermione, Ron, and Dumbledore. We just see it from his perspective, and yes, he did have a crucial role, but I'm getting off track here.
We are the heroes of our own lives, and we need to have faith that God is in charge and will direct our paths as we lean on His understanding of truth and not our own, and as we rely on His strength and acknowledge our limits. We can't do it alone, but we can further our important work, in which we each have a crucial role. Yield your heart and your understanding, little by little, day by day.Things will work out, and if not, well, change your perspective. Go forward with whatever level of faith you can manage.
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