Complacent?

Lots of thoughts and feelings were had at church today, but the main one seems to be the idea that I have become quite disconnected from who I was. Living in London has changed me - I am not sure that all ways have been for the better. I feel quite disconnected from my faith, from God, from growth in that area. I've spent a lot of time trying to help others, maybe not enough, but somewhere along the way, I got myself a bit lost.

Making it up as I go

Unfortunately I do not have time or inclination to update this blog of my adventures in between now and my last post. I've just been reading a friend's blog and realized just how behind I am on my own blogs. In my lame defense, my computer has been broken for about 3 months and I've only been able to use my phone. However, I could have been more diligent.

Catching Up and Sorting Thoughts

I have had a lot of experiences which need to be written down. They all relate together because they’re my life right now, but for clarity, I will try to sort them out. *Caution* messy post, my thoughts are still really jumbled and such, but I do feel it is an important first step so I press forward.

Traveling and Life –

First, I have traveled almost all over the Great Britain. I haven’t made it to Northern Ireland, so not the UK. BUT still. And I’ve also lately been to Paris and to Portugal. So, lots of traveling has been going on. Sometimes it has been in a larger group, a couple friends, and occasionally by myself. I can’t quite decide which is my ideal size of traveling companions, because each have their pros and cons and I’m still not sure which ones are most important to me. For example, traveling alone is great because I get some quality “thinking” or “me” time, I set the agenda and don’t have to try to please anyone else. But sometimes, like in Lisbon, I get hopelessly lost and can only say that “I don’t speak Portuguese” in Portuguese, and getting lost with friends is a bit more fun... haha. :) Traveling in a big group is lovely, lots of friends and fun, you get to create wonderful new memories and inside jokes. But, I’m a born people-pleaser, and sometimes I sacrifice “too much” to try to fit in or keep everyone happy. Going with just a couple people kind of combines the pros and cons of each – like, I can still have quiet time and create new memories with friends, but it’s different. So. Yes. Mixed bag. Lots of new thoughts and experiences to reflect on. Anyway, lots of travel already this month and a few more trips planned. But that’s on a different blog.  

Health –

So, exactly two weeks ago I fainted. I was in a temple doing some service, and was kneeling at the time, when I just collapsed. I never fully lost consciousness and it was a very peaceful experience actually. A bit disembodied though. Anyway since then, it has been quite easy for me to almost faint and I have had quite a weird experience in my head – it doesn’t hurt exactly, but down from my occipital lobe up to my frontal lobe – i.e., all over my head, it feels funny. Almost squeezed? Like when you wring out a rag? And I’ve seriously came close to fainting at least 3 other times since then – plus weird hints of it, in addition to headaches and other stomach/digestive concerns. So, tomorrow I’m off to my first free health care experience since moving to the UK – at least, I’m finally going to my school’s clinic.

Today I received a special blessing from Elder Jim Phillips who is a senior missionary here for the YSA in London. I love him and his wife (Sister Starla Phillips). They are so loving and strong. In addition to the blessing, they made sure I promised to go to the doctor and let them know what the doctors say. Elder Phillips hopes they refer me to a neurologist but I’m trying to convince myself that nothing is wrong. See, the thing is, I’ve always had funny health – and it’s because my brain is quite influential over my physical experience, so like when I’m stressed, I have a stomach ache. And once when I was almost fainting, all I had to do was tell myself to breathe and think about something else because my stress was making it a bigger deal than it was, and then I was fine. But, over the last two weeks I’ve kept feeling this little voice “You should probably just go see a doctor” – and since it’s free, hopefully I’ll be able to see one tomorrow. I will at least register and set an appointment. I’m not actually sure how it works. So we’ll see.

Spiritual –

This should be its own blog, or maybe a couple posts, but I’m too tired. Again, it all merges and overlaps. It’s hard to explain. I’m learning that it is time for me to re-examine some things I’ve put up on my shelf. It might not change anything, it might not change how I feel – but let me give an example. There are a few things that get muddled in my head very quickly. Like what gratitude or worship really are. So, I deeply appreciate lessons where we talk about these things and I can pull out my little box, reorganize it and take out some of the junk that gets thrown in there. With the devotional and experience up in Sunderland, my health, and also today’s institute lesson and blessing, I’ve found a few things that need to be examined and de-cluttered.

First, I’m doing this production of “the Lamb of God” by Rob Gardner, with YSA from all over the UK which is really special. We had our first performance up in the top north east corner of England this last weekend, they were such loving hosts and the whole weekend was an experience I will treasure. Throughout the performance, their faces were kind of blank, it was hard to tell if they liked it. But at the end, most jumped to their feet and applauded (even though we were in the chapel – they had permission). This feeling of joy and love radiated and even my hard heart (lately…) felt it, which was lovely. Apparently they had something like 30-70 non-member / investigators there, so that was special. Also, my friend noticed a young man with Downs Syndrome sitting in between his parents, who at the time when Christ was in Gethsemane, grasped both parents with this intense look, and love. I wish I saw that, but am so grateful she shared it with me. I love being part of something which changes lives, even for just a few days. (“A good talk is one that makes it to Tuesday” – we have this tendency to forget things and go back to normal. A goal of mine is to be constantly uplifted, and grow strong enough to at least “make it to Wednesday” – and keep getting better)

Afterwards, their stake president, President Deacon, gave us a beautiful devotional on faith. My major takeaways were that first, I need to step up in my faith. I have this tendency to “put things on a shelf” rather quickly, to just “not think about it,” and try to move on. One of those things is this nagging thing about marriage. He blatantly told us {me} not to give up and think that I will never get married in this life. Mmm… I kind of have, but I am trying to back-pedal that decision. I just don’t see it happening. He gave an example of his faithful wife, being told medically she couldn’t have kids – but she trusted the promise in her patriarchal blessing that she would bear children. And so she maintained that and they now have two children – naturally. So, I need to learn how to trust the promise in my patriarchal blessing, that I will get married. No, it does not say when – and I need to learn that I don’t need to decide that for me/God, but I need to be open to it and open to the possibility of it not happening. So. Here’s to trying. Which relates to my second takeaway – he talked about Lazarus being raised from the dead, and how Christ asked the people to remove the stone and take the wrappings off. He asked them to do what they could, even if it wasn’t “big” or “significant” or really had anything to do with the actual miracle. So thinking about that, I need to learn how to do what I can. So, I shall practice that. One day at a time.

The testimony meeting the next day was remarkable. My dear friend Harriet played her cello and it soothed my soul. Those who bore their testimony did so with power and love. However, throughout it, my heart felt a bit untouched. Until the last couple testimonies. It got me to confront some things in my heart, and realize the importance of these things that I’d “put on the shelf” – and that it was time to resort them. (Things get shuffled about in a move, and I’ve been doing a lot of moving, haha. But really.) Some of the things which need to be sorted are already mentioned. But the one during testimony meeting is this deeply held belief that … I’m not sure how to put it to words exactly, nothing I’m thinking quite captures it, and writing it down – like I know, but I don’t know or rather feel it. It is related to feeling worthless, but I know I’m not – but just, somehow, I feel like I have to try so hard, that I’m not worth bothering about. Maybe an example will help? In the Lamb of God, I’m one of the many second sopranos. My friends are the cello soloist, a narrator, and a soloist. If I were to miss a performance, no one would ever know. And I know technically, any of them “could” be replaced too, but it isn’t the same. And I have been joking that I’m just there for the numbers, or to make the choir look fuller – because my voice is quiet and doesn’t make a difference. And I feel like that with my life. I mean, I’m not hurting anything and I can lift a few hands along my way, but really, it isn’t anything noteworthy or like, if I ceased existing, I would be missed but life would go on without me – and I know that is technically how it would be for anyone – “In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost. But it hurts just the same. I want to feel like to someone I really matter… I may be just another person to the world, but to someone I selfishly want to be their “world” – or at least a major part of it (I’d never actually want to be someone’s entire world – I hate being sung to on my birthday, let alone being the focus of someone’s entire life… plus if I were to die, I would want to be missed but I don’t want to ruin their life…anyway). I love how *naively* I thought I could be so concise in this blog post.

Today’s institute lesson focused on “Healing = Courage + Action + Grace” a talk in a BYU Devotional given by a professor in the counseling department. I’ve heard this talk before – and at one point early in the discussion, Elder Phillips looked at me and said “Cristina, I can’t believe you don’t have a comment” – I guess I comment a. LOT. I’ve been quieter lately, and it’s a mix between loving to listen to other people and feeling like they all say it better than me, so I don’t need to say anything. But the problem is, I learn what I think when I speak or when I write… so I need to at least write stuff down. I had so many thoughts, but all were small and somewhat disconnected – like how courage / action / grace / healing are so connected – and yet so easy – yes, we are called to suffer sometimes, and called to put in effort. But usually the best effort we can put in is to turn to God. So, yes. Mmm. I also thought about this video I helped make when we asked these guys in our ward, spontaneously (with a video camera), what true beauty is, what is divine worth, and what would you say to a girl in the ward who doesn’t feel that, doesn’t feel beautiful or worth something. Lately, I’ve been thinking about how there isn’t anything I could say to them or to me – one of those girls – except that the only way to get over that is to learn what God thinks of me/them. It’s this deeply personal and spiritual need to learn how to believe God, to know how He sees us, and feel that about ourselves and others.

The other thing that struck me was that the speaker said, basically, that it was ok to be mad at God because He can take it. I would add the caveat that it’s ok to be mad as long as you take it to Him in prayer and continue being faithful. It reminds me of what I distinctly learned with an old roommate, who tried to always be happy, even immediately after a hard breakup. I had this moment of insight that it was ok and necessary to be sad, to learn how to experience that emotion. Today, I think I had a similar one where I need to learn to be mad, angry, or hurt about some things in my life. Yes, eternally they are all going to be fine – I trust that promise. But – I can’t rob myself of the experience of that emotion. I need to open my heart more to emotion, though I am scared what being angry might do. I hope I continue to faithfully turn to God in prayer, to feel, understand, and heal from this hurt. So. That was an interesting thing to learn – usually it’s a message of peace, which it is, but it is complicated. I’ve been stuck. So I need to take a step forward and ask hard questions, and experience emotions again.

My last little section is on the blessing and chat I had with the Phillips. Special fact: they went to Jerusalem in 2013, and consecrated holy oil by the Garden Tomb, and so in my blessing today they used that. I am not sure that where it was consecrated necessarily makes it any “better” but it makes it special and helps me feel loved, and it helps me feel of their faith and inspires me to have faith too.

The blessing itself was full of love. I could feel Elder Phillips truly communicating with God and it felt like I was being brought closer to heaven. It was personal, loving, and powerful. I don’t quite know. I still feel a bit weird in my head… and a bit disconnected from spiritual things, but it was there even if I couldn’t quite feel it all the way. Before the blessing, I had a good but too short chat with them about me – specifically about health and then about dating and such. Sister Phillips says I need to be better about giving the “green light” and Elder Phillips said in the blessing to have courage not to change who I am out of loneliness, so a slightly mixed message, but I think both are true. Basically, no I don’t have to change who I am – but I need to do what I can, which will be clearer after I’ve done a lot of prayer and soul searching, and time – I think time is going to be very important. SO I shall continue to practice doing what I can each day. I will practice more confidently trusting and loving people, I will practice doing good things even when tired, and in the lesson – it talked about grace being the enabling power to continue after our natural desires – this is hopeful because lately I’ve been feeling fresh out of desire for… well, truthfully, anything except sleep. And maybe a cookie. Haha. Overall, I am feeling better. I need a lot of help – even making time to have these moments of introspection and honesty with self and God, which are so crucial to healing. But I would so like to be healed – a process which takes time. For now, that means stopping writing and going to sleep. I do feel better, spiritually, like a few things have at least begun to be sorted out. There is so much more work to be done though! I pray that I won’t be intimidated by the amount of work and cower from it, but instead boldly move forward one step at a time with Christ, who is the source and Master Healer.

2015 Testimony Goal

One of the things I struggle with the most is not wanting to bear my testimony in my church meeting. It's the meeting where members are invited to come and talk of Christ, their beliefs, and is generally fairly unstructured as far as who speaks and what they say. If given the choice between giving a talk and bearing my testimony in the testimony meeting, I would pick giving a talk every time. I just don't like having to think on my feet in front of everyone and be expected to say something coherent and meaningful. SO - one of my New Year's Resolutions this year is to write my testimony each month and publish it on my blog instead of giving it once a month in the testimony meeting. I firmly believe in sharing my beliefs and don't want to hide them but I need to find a better outlet for me to get it out there.

Edinburgh

Despite my efforts, I did not make it to church today. Which makes me really sad.

Yesterday, I hiked a lot and was very tired when I came home. So, I hurried and looked up directions on getting to the church, when Sacrament started, etc. And then I went to sleep.

I woke up before my alarm, and comfortably waited for it to go off - peacefully waking up.

Then, I got ready and reviewed the directions. I even wrote them all down on the sheet and made sure I had my bus fare ready to go.

After a while of walking (the stop was a ways away), I remembered that I probably ought to hurry a bit more than I was... So I picked up my pace. After a few confusing intersections, I found my bus stop.

Ten minutes later, I finally decided to see when the bus was supposed to come next. Then I saw it. My bus had come and went - less than a minute before I got to the stop. And it wouldn't come again for an hour. I thought leaving an hour and a half early would be enough time to get to church. Wrong.

Their meetings start with RS and Priesthood, ending with Sacrament, which is what I had planned on attending, so having the bus not come for an hour meant that I missed church entirely.

I found myself crying a bit. After my peaceful wake up, I struggled with going to church... I was comfortable, and I was only going to Sacrament anyway, was it worth the 3 GBP? As I thought about it, I began to remember how important it was for me to attend church, how it shapes my week and prepares me for the struggles ahead. So to be able to be there was painful for me.

I dedicated the rest of the day to watching the church's Bible Videos and CES Devotionals, I listened to hymns, and I prayed. I still am sad that I did not make it to church and I can feel the loss of not renewing my covenants - It has helped me wake up a bit in my faith and though I won't be at my fullest this week, I pray that the Spirit may still be with me, as I have felt it much more clearly throughout my adventures here in Europe. I am so grateful for repentance and the Atonement which enables me to press forward and become clean again.

London

I've made it to London - read on my other blog...

Here are my notes from Elder Bednar's and Elder Ballard's talks from the European Women's Meeting - that I am listening to as I write this. I live in Europe now... which is pretty sweet. It also means I get an extra two-hour meeting to watch the broadcast again.

False opposites and polar extremes surround us. How do I open my heart and truly listen, being united in faith - regardless of circumstance? I am not left out and ought to pay attention always, even if they don't spell out my situation exactly. Stay steady and strong, on the Lord's side. You are doing a great job. Simply be steady and good to those around you and the faith you hold.

The Atonement of Jesus Christ - cleanses us from sin - and it strengthens us to do good and become better. Do I pray like an object or an agent? Do I pray to be able to act for myself, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ? We are to act, not to be acted upon. "Make this go away" or "just give this to me" - or "Grant me strength" - we cannot do it on our own, but we can pray to be enabled to do something. That is such a crucial difference. How do I pray? Can I pray more like an agent?

Sometimes, all we want to do is to be obedient - and if we can pray to feel of God's love for us, we can find a way in faith. They are so loving and so strong, and we can find strength to keep going. Just come unto Christ. It does apply to you and you need it. It will come as we patiently wait upon the Lord and pray in faith.

Simple steadiness in obedience, will chase the darkness out of lives and countries, the light of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. I am loving listening to Elder Bednar testify of the leaders he works with. They know what is true and what we need. Be of good cheer. "I know Captain Moroni, I work with 14 of them every day. They are warriors."

Listen to their wise, simple counsel. Look to those who hold the keys of the priesthood. Work on being better in private than you are in public. Don't put on a show, be a genuine follower of Christ. Study and come to know Him - read of the Atonement in the Book of Mormon. Read it and look for the blessings that come from the Atonement. Come to find Him there. And you will find the strength to face what you need to face. Be strong and of good courage.

Why are we meeting? "We want to extend to you the personal love of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles." - as you study, think how "Christ loved and loves the women of the church." (especially in the New Testament). The first declaration that He was and is the Savior of the world was at Jacob's well, to a woman. We are so loved - Eve is the mother of all living. She took responsibility to fulfill a commandment. We are so loved. Let your heart feel that love, to feel the strength that comes from God. Mortality must come by experiencing the bad and the good. It is better to pass through sorrow that we may know the good. Experience is so crucial. The last few days have been so jam-packed with experience. It truly is the best teacher. Let yourself experience it, hold fast to the rod that comes from God, follow His prophets and open your heart to feel and recognize the Spirit.

Let your heart love those around you, those who came before you, and those who will follow after you. Do not limit your love to only those you have met. Pray for this help to love them more fully. Love is the essence of the gospel and the world could use more of it. Be a source of love here in London. Whatever challenge or circumstance - wherever you live or whatever you are doing - come to know Christ - who has the capacity and power to know and love you, to lift your burden, and that you can successfully experience mortality. Pray that you may come to know Him. This church is often held together by the women. See that you teach and lift those around you.

"I have been told you are coming" - God has prepared a way for you. Trust in Him enough to do all you can to move forward and have faith. Things will work out.You have strength enough - you are stronger than you know. Keep working hard and trust in good things to come, even if they aren't here yet (though, you are in pretty great times, so chin up. Remember to be grateful in any circumstance). Take a step forward. Work just a little harder to move a little forward. Your voices and efforts are needed. You have a great work to perform. We are sons and daughters of the Most High God. He is our Father. That is who we are. We are blessed with the gospel. Be of good cheer. Come to know Them and Their leaders - as we follow them, I know we will come to know Christ and find strength through His Atonement and love for us. Help others to feel it, too.We know who God is, and we know we are sent here, by Him. We are so blessed. Remember that.

Never underestimate your worth, and remember to keep all things in proper balance - it is so easy to take things to extremes, to get lost in details. Pause a moment, catch your breath, relax, and remember to love and to feel love. Truth is true, and what really matters is our witness of truth - and our family. That is what matters. Learn to love them and take care of their work. Focus your work on the marvelous reality that this is the Church of JESUS CHRIST.

Europe Area Sisters Meeting September 2014 Well, that is what my thoughts were - feel free to watch it here: https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/watch/europe-area-sisters-meeting/2014/09?lang=eng

A Letter to Me from Me

Dear Self,

I remember my friend Elsie, who while in the MTC wrote a letter for why she went on a mission, and how much it helped her. I want to do the same thing. I do feel a little silly writing myself a note and I guess I can laugh at myself later for it. I usually feel much better after writing, and I believe this can help me later too, so, it is worth it. I am putting it up here on my blog, just in case. It is a personal letter to myself, so it feels a little counter-intuitive to publish it online. I am doing this because I want to 'put it out there' - wherever there is, and to be brave. So. I will publish this letter.

I am going to get my masters in England because I was feeling stuck. And this is something I want to do, so that I can live my life on purpose, not waiting for ‘tomorrow’ or making excuses, but really living life. I felt for years that this was my next step, though it took those years for the ‘next step’ to be prepared and clear. I have felt this is right, and that a lot of work is required of me. I know that it will be hard in different ways than I am ‘planning’ for, because it is a completely new experience. But I need it. I need to learn and to hurt, to grow in new ways, and I need to know what I know and believe in even more than I do now. I need to learn how to have an opinion and to share it wisely. I need to know how to talk with others about beliefs without malice or fear – but trusting in God. I am going because I know this is right and I know that whoever I meet or whatever my challenge, my eternity will be blessed because of it. I have so much I want to see, so many adventures and memories are waiting for me.

I am writing this email exactly 30 days before I leave for London. I am writing it for a couple reasons – first, to remind myself later of how I am feeling now, what I am excited or nervous for, etc., second, to help me process impatience, loneliness, and other issues, and finally, to help me calm down now. :)

How am I feeling? Right now, tired - it is somewhat late. I am trying to convince myself to go to sleep, but my mind is still trying to figure everything out, which makes it hard to sleep. I am feeling comforted by my missionary cousins and friend, though I miss having (Lindsay) Williams shimai here with me. She is really good at listening to me, helping me feel loved, and helping me sort everything out.

I am really excited to “do something” with my life, to have adventures, to make memories, to see new things, and think in new ways. I am really nervous for embarking on this alone, of strange customs and people making fun of, belittling, or harming me and my beliefs. I am nervous and excited to see how it all pans out and I am rather impatient to start the process. I’ve been firmly planning this for just about 11 months now, and I still have one more to go. And, I am excited because I feel I am a better long-distance friend than in-person… but I am trying to work on not driving people away and letting people be close to me, I guess. And of people wanting to be my friend, it’s a cycle, but it starts with me.

Impatience: “the grass is always greener” – first of all, if I am living in London and not taking advantage of it, I am sorely disappointed. Yes, focus on school – but make memories too. Don’t waste this 12-month adventure by only planning the next one. This last year has been quite a good one, but it has especially gotten better now that I only have a little bit of time, and have made it a priority to enjoy it. I always am impatient or trying so hard to be efficient, to do everything right, that my memories are only of me trying to be efficient or of me getting upset because of impatience. I don’t want my whole life to be that way. So, at least these 12 months in England have to be epic, then you can go back to being impatient and living vicariously… Not really. Not at all. Do me a favor: Figure it out, ok?

Loneliness: You were very lonely here too, at times, and you were with your family. It isn’t a pleasant emotion, but you actually make good acquaintances really well (long-term friends is a different story), so go to a church activity and listen to someone.  Help them feel important and noticed – and then, you will be too. You are really good at throwing pity-parties. Maybe try to throw happy-parties more often. Yes, emotions will be rather tested, with everything going on – new people, a new country, a new school and high expectations and demands on time, money, and emotional resources, and loneliness is a constant companion. So, therefore, find ways to enjoy spending time with yourself, take time to do things you enjoy, and time to rest. But most importantly, find someone to listen to, and to love. That really will cure it. Yes, you will have to take initiative and be the one to reach out. Not always ideal but, desperate times call for desperate measures, and mortality is often a ‘desperate time.’ Haha. But really. Also, nothing is as constant as change. It will be ok. Just wait out the storm.

Other: I am not sure what other things will come up. Hence the name of this section. But, above all, hold to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Doubts will arise, your culture and way of life will be challenged. But, you know what you have felt – and you know that if there is any meaning in life, it comes through love, which is the gospel of Christ. If there is any truth, it comes from God. Without it, life is dark and lonely. Do not give it up. Be active at church, rely on those in your ward. Listen to the Spirit and pray always, that in times of struggle or pain, you can find peace through the Spirit. Trust in God, believe in good things to come, and know that because of your covenants, it will all be worth it, and you can succeed gloriously. And, it will make for a great story later. Take a minute, sit down, get a drink of water, maybe a snack, and look around you. The world is a beautiful place and there is light, life, and love all around you. Also, find time to go to the temple and remember your covenants.

I am, honestly, a bit overwhelmed and it scares me. I am wondering if this is not like it was in the Pre-mortal life, waiting to come to Earth, with my friends and family gone before- knowing that it would be incredibly hard, that there would be tears, and a lot of pain. And yet, knowing and wanting to go anyway. Because, like that time, I know that there are good things to come of this. I don’t know where I will end up because of it, I don’t have a set future. But it is exciting to have opportunities, to learn and to grow. To have that potential again is exciting – it is helping me to live my life on purpose, not just living vicariously. I feel like in the pre-mortal life, we learned all we could without experiencing it ourselves. We knew the answers, but without the experience, we were like rocks in the stream. Stuck. That’s how I’ve felt for the last two and a half years and I am so close to being able to move forward. Yes, this ship (me), is safe in this harbor (Wallsburg, UT, at my parents’ house), but that is not what I was created for. I have had time to recover, to realign, and figure out what I really want, and where I really want to go – at least sort of. I am stronger now, my foundation is as set as it can be, and now I just want to get on the plane and go. But, I am grateful for the time I have now to create some memories, and do some last minute fine-tuning of my character. And, I have a month to learn (or at least practice) patience. It’s taken me about 24.5 years, but this last month should do the trick. Then, I’ll have patience down perfectly. HAHA. Ok. Self, I hope I have cheered you up a bit.

As for marriage, I don’t know what to say. I would love to find my eternal companion. I want to start a family. But, I can’t keep my life on hold waiting for marriage to fall into my lap. If it means I am single for my mortal life, or it is postponed, then that is how it will have to be. I have been here long enough and I feel that the Lord knows what is best. I have not found anyone here that can, wants to, or whatever, be my companion. So for now, it will be me and the Spirit taking on London. Yes, I want it differently and it hurts when I hear people talk about girls who value education over family. I’m not just going to get married to check it off the list, you know? (I’d better know, as I am writing this to myself…)I am not purposely avoiding it or purposely being unattractive to men. This was not expected in all of my young life of writing ‘where I want to be in ten years’ – but it is where I am and I mean to make the best of it. I mean to keep learning, I intend to be the best I can be, and one day, I have faith, that I won’t be “alone” anymore.  I know my family wishes I was married now, and most of my friends are married and have at least one child. I’ve waited, I’ve dated, and I’ve even debated. I am putting my love life, no, my entire life, in the hands of the Lord and will use my agency to create a life worth living while I wait in His care. I hope that makes sense.

I am scared because I don’t have a set plan – will I be starting a family? Will I have a new job, or will I be continuing school? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll be unemployed or working somewhere worse than what I left. I am so very grateful I have this chance to live my life, to make something of myself, and hopefully be able to make a real difference in this world, and find a place where I belong and want to stay. That is what I am looking for, and it may be the place I am living now. I will never know until I try and I want to try, I want to see what I can do, try new things, and make mistakes. I want to learn and become something better than I am now, and I am grateful for the Lord who has helped show me the way and has helped me to get there.

Sincerely,

Cristina Roemmich

August 10, 2014