Sixth Grade

Once, when I was in kindergarten or first grade, I was walking by the 6th grade classrooms. I thought of how smart they were and despaired to think that I wasn't ever going to be smart enough to make it in 6th grade. Well, I made it through that year, and then each year after that. Now I've been accepted to grad school, and I'm facing those same fears.

In church today, we discussed Christ - and who He truly is. He is someone who will help me through each day of my program. It will be a miracle, but as I learn to have faith in Him, He will show His power and plan for me. I don't know if that sentence makes sense... but somehow, with His help, I will be able to overcome huge obstacles and become more like my Savior.

God loves me

This is a paragraph from one of my all time favorite books, "The Continuous Atonement" by Brad Wilcox. I wanted to share it on my blog so that as you read it, you can feel of God's love for you, too.

"God loves me just as He loves His living prophets. I am one of the reasons for living prophets. God loves me just has He loves Joseph Smith. I am one of the reasons for the Restoration. God loves me just as He loves Jesus. I am one of the reasons for the Atonement. God loves people of every era just as He loved the people to whom Christ was sent in the meridian of time. Alma asked, 'Is not a soul at this time as precious unto God as a soul . . . at the time of His coming?' (Alma 39:17). Paul assured us that nothing can separate us from the love of God (see Romans 8:35-39). Jesus Himself said to ancient Israel, 'Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee" (Isaiah 49:15). " (page 134)

and

"No matter how deficient and beyond recovery I thought I was, God was bound to love me. No matter how many balls I had juggled and let fall, no matter how much weight I had gained, how much lack of self-control I demonstrated, and how many regrets I carried from the past, He was bound to love me. ... Earth life is not merely a way of proving myself to them, but also a way for them to prove their love to me. God and Jesus are bound to believe in me - in my potential and possibilities - even when I don't. ... He is a perfect parent. ... And knowing He has not failed gives me the power I need to succeed." (page 133)

It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile, journal-blog readers.

I'm not sure I have a good excuse except that life happens and I get distracted. I also feel like this blog helped me reconnect with my church attendance and its purpose may have been fulfilled (not to say that it isn't still useful).

At church today, I felt the Spirit again. There are many life questions, lots of pain, and it's hard to stay true to what we know, but as we consistently stay true to what we do know, what we do feel, then we are able to come unto Christ and find healing and find motivation to keep going.

Atonement and Becoming Better

Guys, since I've started this blog, I've come to know myself better. You'd think you already would know yourself... I mean, really. You're always talking to yourself. :) ANYway. I am coming to be a little more aware of who I am, what I want, and where I'm going.

First, I am grateful for the Atonement. I have really come to recognize and apply it in my life this past couple of years. I feel like I am in a prep / store-up for winter / type period in my life and so I am trying to write and remember and truly become a better person because of it. Hopefully I'll be ready when the next emergency / unexpected trial comes.

We have been taught so much lately, and it sounds (and probably is) ignorant of me to say, but I am doing much better than I realized / was aware of. And so much of that is because I have started trying to be more grateful. Do not be tempted to get me wrong - I have also discovered how far I really have to go - BUT it's nice to know that I have made some progress.

I am easily intimidated, which is something I'm working on. Until I overcome it, through the Atonement, I am working on just taking one day at a time and not worrying about trying to keep it up for the rest of my life.

Church today was full of the Spirit, we talked so much about the process of coming to know Christ, what things really mean in our lives, and how to more fully use the Atonement and recognize His hand in our lives. We also talked a lot about our motives - something I've been trying to understand about myself lately. Where I still am very self-centered, I have noticed occasions where I've thought of myself a little less than I would normally do, which is great. By the time I'm 100, hopefully I'll get it down. One day at a time though.

Anyway, those are my thoughts about church today.

Fast Sunday - Uchtdorf - New Calling

Hello, blog-journal-thing. Yesterday, I met President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, of the First Presidency. He shook my hand and it was nice. His wife is adorable.

Today at church, I was released from being a Gospel Doctrine instructor, which kind of makes me sad. I'm now the 1st counselor in the Relief Society. Do not get me wrong, this will be a good calling too - I just always like teaching... so anyway. :)

At church, it was Fast and Testimony meeting, which is always nice. Then I taught my last lesson - it went alright. It was on President Brigham Young, and the beginnings of the journey west. It was nice, people really brought up good points and it was a pretty good discussion. It wasn't my favorite lesson ever, but that's ok.

Relief Society we talked about temples and the importance of attending regularly. I definitely need to be better about that.

This week I was able to be part of some service activities which was a nice break from my usual self-centered-ness. :) I want to improve my attitude and feel like a more deliberate effort to be of service to others could really help. One step at a time.

Also, I have a testimony about bearing testimonies, ever since I heard Elder Holland's talk where he told us to lean on his strength when we need it, for some reason it just clicked more firmly for me. We need to hear reminders of other people's journeys, and their faith. It reminds us that we can have faith too. Surround yourself with goodness and strength, and you will be an example for others too.

Catch Up

Guys, I've been not very consistent at this lately - the trouble is that now I teach a lesson each week, so I feel like I get all my thoughts out there already.

Today I just wanted to express my gratitude for the people in my ward and the Spirit not giving up on me, guiding me in what questions to ask.

See, this week's lesson was really hard for me to know what to say, it was the martyrdom of Joseph Smith. So, I started to doubt that I could have a good lesson about this, but as I was diligent in asking for help - I found good questions. And the people in my ward really thought about them, and answered from their hearts and brought the Spirit even more into the lesson. So, it was great.

Of course, the rest of church is always really good. Today was really meaningful because going into it, I didn't know what I was going to say for this lesson, and every step of the way I was prompted to speak, or to ask, or to just listen to my friends share and teach all of us. It was great.

Endure with Patience

In good times and in bad we are shaping our character, but it is up to us to make decisions in faith and move forward with our lives and service to others.

O Child, Where Art Thou?

This week, we talked today a lot about trials and endurance. We read in D&C 121 where Joseph Smith asked the question "O, God, Where art Thou?" In my life, I've found God is the one asking me why I haven't turned to Him.

So, that is my challenge for the week, to turn to the Lord more quickly about my life and involve Him in my decision making process.

Testimonies and Priesthood

Today was a good day at church. Testimony meeting is always a good meeting and I heard good messages by the Spirit.

"My testimony is simple, but it is mine"

We also discussed the Priesthood, which was wonderful to truly come to understand it by talking with others and answering questions which we all had.

I also had an interesting experience preparing the lesson. I was trying to get a good metaphor for how the priesthood fell into the plan - and the idea of a couple carrying an umbrella came to mind. It was later in the day when I realized that the idea wasn't new - in fact I heard it twice the same day. It was reassuring to know that the Spirit speaks to me and helps me teach others by His words.

We talked about this in Gospel Doctrine and also in a combined Priesthood and Relief Society. We had great discussions and it was a great day to learn together.

Deception and Endurance

Let's see - today the speakers spoke... ha ha.. anyway - on missionary work, conversion, and humility. Then I gave a lesson / led a discussion on deception, then we followed it up with a combined lesson (5th Sunday the bishop taught), on decision making and who Satan is, how to separate it from what is right.

It was wonderful to see how all these melded and meshed together. I also had an interesting test - I decided for this lesson I would only ask questions (I have a tendency, as you can tell from my blog posts, to be long winded). It was quite the experience - I had to make a really long sentence with lots of commas once... haha but I made it. I think it was a good experience to do this and I feel like where they gave me all the credit for the 'good lesson' but it was really all the people who were part of the lesson.

I also decided I'd like to talk with the Bishop about my life - it all just seems unclear, and I'd like to get another perspective I think. There are just so many options, I'm not sure what I want to do and what I'm willing to do. Life is an adventure and it is time for me to figure out my next steps.  The Bishop's lesson talked about having faith and making a decision for yourself - I get that, but I also believe God will give us direction, when we need it and I definitely need it. I shall continue to search faithfully for what is right and what is best for me eternally.

Anyway, that was church today.

Catch-Up

Hello journal readers. :)

I've been away from a computer for awhile and am borrowing this one for a few minutes.

Life has a tendency to get away from me.

Well, the past two weeks the message has just been to keep trying a little harder, and not to give up when I don't understand or know very much. I know enough and have enough support to keep going.

Life is an adventure - live it, with a foundation in Christ - and always moving upward, closer to Him.

Sign Me Up

Today we had a great set of meetings. Sacrament was all about faith, hope, and charity. Sunday School was focused on the signs of the second coming and how we can prepare, and RS was focused on having faith in the Lord and following His will.

It was just a continual reminder that I can keep going in faith and moving forward in my life, that there are great things that await me.

I've got a bit of a migraine headache so I am going to cut this post short now. :)

Glory and Grace

Today we talked about the kingdoms of glory and then about God's grace.

It was a wonderful discussion and helped strengthen my faith in these areas. To be honest, I didn't really hear  anything 'new' but I don't think that was the point. I did come closer to my Savior and I did feel strengthened by the Sacrament, and I was able to be obedient, so I feel at peace with my experience today.

The scripture that says we are saved after all we can do, doesn't say it explicitly, but the 'we' is the reader and Christ. We are saved through His grace after our efforts together. And, if we only want to put in so much work, we are given our desires and will be happy. Our desires and our choices matter, and when we turn to Him, we can feel of His grace.

To See

I just got back from a weekend trip to Washington DC where I saw lots of cool things. It got me thinking about the importance of seeing things and the balance it strikes with faith, which is what we talked about in church today.

I don't really have time to write about it, but I definitely kept it in mind as I worked hard to see things, to make memories, and to take part in history.

This was an excellent weekend where I learned to travel and see life fully, and on my own, for the most part. God is good and has given me so many wonderful blessings, in this, my wonderful life.

More details to come as I sythesize what happened and make it coherent, for people to read.

New Beginnings

As opposed to 'old beginnings' or just simply 'beginnings'


Anyway - at church today we had invited all the graduating seniors to come to the singles ward - to show them we aren't scary and it could be cool to hang out with us... and to worship too.

Overall, I feel like the day went really well. I still don't really have friends here - but that is probably more my fault than anything else, so I shouldn't complain. I just feel like it would take longer here to break into real friendships with them and I don't know how long I'll be here (obviously long enough I should try harder).

I feel like I recognize the Spirit now stronger in new ways, and less strongly in the ways I am used to, so it is hard for me to understand - so I turn to other sources to try to validate it either way.

We talked a lot about temples today and I feel like that is where I need to spend more time. I am running into a bit of a pride problem since I haven't been endowed yet, and feel really old and or stuck in the baptistery now. So, it was a good reminder to go back anyway.

I am much more comfortable in the background - going unnoticed - but keep finding myself either calling attention to me or having others point me out and I am not sure how I feel about it. And like life, I am finding it hard to understand what I want anymore.

Well, at church today I definitely felt the Spirit, and I was able to remember my Savior a little more clearly. Hopefully my pride walls are coming down faster than they are going up. That's the idea anyway...

Do I Miss It?

Week 2 of my 'limited media as a cure for boredom' and I am feeling better off without it. I do miss being able to communicate with friends and family, but I feel so much more like me without it.

Also, at church today I was given a new calling. I am fairly excited about it - but my ego is already in full swing. People, I need to find a non-humiliating way to humble myself... I don't want it to 'hurt' but I do need to get better at this.

It was Mother's Day today and so my brother, his girlfriend, and my cousin all came up - and we got to talk with my older brother - currently on a mission in Portland - a great day. My siblings and I worked hard to get a few surprises for Mom, though I think she suspected more than she let on, which is slightly depressing. Oh well.

I miss feeling 'at home' and 'belonging' - something I haven't really felt for over a year. But more importantly, I miss the joy of feeling grateful for the blessings in my life. I miss noticing the hand of the Lord in the big and little areas of my life, and I miss the security and hope I have when I am faithful.

I am definitely a work in progress, and I feel like I am still progressing further, which is great. So, I will try again tomorrow. :)

One Week

Hello again. It's been a week and it's miraculous the changes that have happened, I feel like I am living life again since last week's decision to step away from Facebook and similar distractions.

I am not sure at this point if I will step back into it or not - I do notice and appreciate the ability to stay in touch with my friends - but I feel like it would be too easy to step back in and let it distract me. So, luckily I have a little while to sort out what I want to do. I'll probably either do a limit like I do on TV viewing, or simply allow one day a week to catch up on events or announcements, or to send messages. We'll see.

Anyway, at church today - I learned it was Fast Sunday and I had totally forgotten. So - I will have to make it up either this week or next Sunday. But I have the desire to share my testimony here.

It is my belief that we are here to come to know God and we do that by striving to live deliberately and obediently, and to remember what we have already learned to apply it correctly. I know Jesus is the Christ, my Savior, and I know that He has a plan for me. I know that my brother is faithfully serving a mission in Portland, and I know that I am coming closer to Christ as I consciously choose to follow Him. I love the words of Isaiah and will continue to study them. I know the Book of Mormon was written and restored by God, and that through its teachings we will find peace and joy. I do know that President Monson is called of God to lead this church as His prophet today. I know that we, as mortals, and still children of God, make mistakes, often and obviously. I also know that repentance is real. The Atonement has truly worked miracles in my life and will continue to do so as I move forward. Prayer is a real power, as is gratitude. As we learn and apply these principles in our lives we will witness miracles, and I write these things in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Remember

I've had an idea to help my life, blogging world.

I am going to try to 'unplug' as it were for the entire month of May, which does include my birthday. Naturally this isn't going to be entirely possible - I will still have my phone for basic contact, and I will still check my emails occasionally, though on a limited basis. And work I manage their social media so that doesn't get to count.

This is because I feel I am not able to remember what is important or learn new things because I am wasting my time. Oh, and I'll still write on this blog once a week to stay accountable for what I've learned at church. I'll probably keep you updated here as well.

See, all through church I kept noticing how tied we are to our forms of media, and where that isn't bad to have them, I need to make an improvement in my life.

The way I see it, we were sent to Earth with a veil of forgetfulness, and that seems to be the underlying cause of my errors - I forget. I get distracted. I lose focus. And so much of that in my life can be tied to seeking entertainment only through a series of flashing lights.

We need to learn to remember our Savior and develop a true relationship with Him, and I can't do that while I am distracted. See, when I look at so much of the social media, or entertainment in general, I forget to be grateful. And I see all the blessings of others, or all the possibilities, or adventures around me, and I compare myself to them. When I am feeling weak or out of place, I either judge others harshly or retreat into sadness. Neither option is very good. So, I need to take a month to develop a new reliance on God instead of mind-numbing distractions to keep me occupied "until I can have xyz to be happy". Anyway, I have found to make improvments in my life I need to be accountable to someone, and so I am going to be accountable here, and I will keep a record of the things I've noticed, learned, or appreciated on this blog, while I've been away from my distractions. Hopefully I'll really come to know my Savior when I stop letting little things isolate me from those closest to me, and treasure the blessings He has given me.

So, I will be retreating for a month. I will catch up, I'm sure, with all my friends' birthdays, weddings, funny pictures, engagements, and general well-wishes in June. Not a big deal, really, but I will let you know if I notice a difference.

Gratitude

Gratitude isn’t something I’m ‘good’ at. I am a ‘realist’ and so often forget to look for the blessings in life. I tend to see all good things that happen as a reward of my effort and all the bad things as ‘________ is against me’ (whoever/whatever is at ‘fault’ besides me). I’ve only begun to really notice as I’ve felt the bitterness entrench itself a little deeper in my heart.

In my patriarchal blessing it talks about how I’m a ‘happy’ person, and lately I’ve been almost mocking that, and then a sweet coworker left a note at my desk saying she was grateful I was so sweet and happy to her. I couldn’t understand it, when had I been happy, cheerful, or sweet at work? Didn’t work make me tired and feel lonely for sitting by myself all day?

That got me to look back over the week, and I realized how happy I was at work – the people there are not just ‘coworkers’ they are my friends and I am actually happy when I am with them.

Since early November, I’ve had a little gratitude journal where I write a few things every day, of what I am grateful for that day. When I was asked to start one it came with all sorts of stats about how it would make my life so much happier – and all I could see was how my life has spun downward, this ‘gratitude thing’ wasn’t working.

I’m not there yet – but at church today I received a key clarifier – in the hymn, “How Great Thou Art” it has a line that says something about our Savior was glad to hang on the cross and suffering for us. At first, my immediate reaction was sarcastic – “oh I bet He was just SO HAPPY to be suffering” and then I realized that you don’t have to have a life free from pain to be happy and grateful to be where you are.

Later in Relief Society, we were given a beautiful lesson where my heart opened up. And at the end, our instructor gave us a little notebook that says “I am awesome – Reasons I like being me” and it may sound super cheesy – but this is going to be a challenge for me, it’s a whole notebook. But I did come up with one to start out, and maybe I’ll just find one a day, but hey, I’ve got a whole life.

Gratitude is a process and it is something I desperately need to develop, but I’m on my way. The Atonement is infinitely powerful and can help my heart heal from my selfish pride and egocentric views. I’ve started taking my acknowledgement of blessings past the gratitude journal reflection time I have at the end of the day, and I’ve finally begun the path to becoming a grateful person – to feel it in my heart and not just mentally acknowledge that I ‘should’ be grateful. I know that when I look to my Savior in true gratitude and recognition for the blessings in my life, I will be happy. Even if it means being glad I can suffer this pain to learn a new lesson to help me get to know Him better.

Reason I like being me #1: My Savior loves and helps me and that definitely counts for something big. And I am grateful for His gentle hand as He shows me just how far I need to go and also my next step to get there. With His help, I’ll master this thing called gratitude and remember Him always.

Better AND Worse

What did I learn at church today? That I am doing simultaneously better and worse than I thought I was doing.

I finally went to the singles ward for my stake. And I was much more emotional and nervous about it than I thought I would be - or at least should be. I have been to so many new wards and branches already, and most on my own, but this one actually had me teary before and during the meeting just from the challenge of it all. I think so much of it felt like succumbing to my current life, giving up the fight, and feeling forced into a life I didn't want for myself.

This resulted in a lot of bitterness in my heart - showing that I am doing worse in my quest to become like my Savior - that I am giving in to pride, fear, and laziness. This worries me. I had hoped on a self-reflection, I could at least see some improvement in these attributes that have plagued me for years. Instead, I feel like I'm going backwards even though I am desperately trying to improve.

But, that shows what is better - at least to me. I probably have improved... I can't really see it, but maybe I didn't know how bad I was... right? Or maybe, it is like how you don't realize how dirty something is until you start to clean it... I don't know. But, they reminded me at church today that God hasn't given up on me. I don't know what my life holds, and I don't know how long I'll feel stuck - or separated - unable to progress, but I will continue to look for ways to learn from my struggles and develop my relationship with my Savior.

It scares me how much of Laman and Lemuel, the children of Israel, and others, I see in myself. And I want so much to be faithful like Nephi. Sigh. Well. Maybe one day I'll get there. For today, I will keep working on it, and learning to turn to the Lord much faster and in more humility than I've done before.

General Conference April 2013

What a weekend.

Easter 2013

It's Easter today! My friend told me that growing up his parents celebrated "Spring" with all the candy, eggs, and whatnot, on the Spring Equinox, and then had a separate celebration for Easter, each year so that the kids could separate the two. I think this is an intriguing idea. I'm not sure if I'll incorporate it in my family (depends on the future spouse I suppose), but really like it. Life gets messy sometimes and I have a hard time enduring and remembering. Often times, I am more likely to sit down and give up a little waiting for someone else to make the change. That's mostly off topic, but I liked doing something small to differentiate, and to make it easier to remember our Savior.

I've now lived at my parents house as long as I lived in my last apartment. It's a weird feeling. Mostly because I still have no idea how long I'll be here or where I want to go when I'm not here anymore.

We discussed missionary work, the gathering of Israel, the Atonement, and service to others today. I am still in a bit of a spiritual fog, but I know that I'll get better at trusting, remembering, and enduring as I turn to Christ, and reach outward to help those around me, all come unto Christ together.

Missions and Conversion

Well, I don't have too long today - but one of the themes that I was listening today was that of missionary work.

I'd been thinking for the last couple of months that I may have convinced myself I wasn't to go because I was scared or proud - and today I felt a reassuring peace that it was good that I have not yet served a mission. I was reminded of what I can do here and its importance, of supporting my family, being a friend, and learning to become like Christ - are all things that I am learning here. And, it is where I am supposed to be.

We talked of conversion and what that really means - and how perfection really is a process. We can keep doing our part.

Lately I've also been touched by how important remembering really is - we are so good at forgetting what isn't right in front of us, and conversion really occurs when we come to the point that we are always praying, we are always loving, we are always bringing others to Christ, because that has become who we literally are. And, it will take a lifetime to truly get there. Good news, you have a lifetime to give. And, you'll get there - one day at a time. Do your best today. Repent, and do better the next day. You've got time. Be diligent and keep moving forward.

Late ...again

Life...gets away from me sometimes. And as I am mostly just writing a journal, I suppose it is ok that I am a little late.

Well - this last week was Stake Conference. One of the main things I learned from the adult session was when I ask a question, I must truly want God's answer, and I must be able to then act in faith because of that answer.

Writing it down, it seems so elementary and cliche to have to discover. Yet, that's what I needed to learn. See, my mind and heart are not unified. And - if I can't even be unified with myself, I cannot receive an answer. And, I didn't realize up until this point just how serious the divide in my mind / heart was.

Sunday night I had a tender experience with God - I almost don't want to share it on here; but I will. See, I've been having this spiritual war inside me for over a year and I haven't felt like I've made much progress, it's been fairly cyclical. Yet because of stake conference, I felt the need to offer up my fears, sins, and non-unified desires up to God. What better result can you have from conference? They were specific items - and as I gave them up I felt quite like King Lamoni's father. I identify with him strongly. Like him, I want desperately to come to know God - to feel what I intellectually know about God, and to know what I truly feel when I receive revelation - but I have a lot of sins to give up. So, this time, I sincerely prayed for them to go away, that Christ could take them from me. I wonder{ed} how this works but had the sweet realization that the King of the Lamanites had less of an idea about how giving up his sins would change his life than I do - and it is possible. I can give up my fears, my pride, my selfish, lazy heart, and I can come more fully unto Christ.

And it starts one day at a time. My resolution and prayer is that I can continue to pray each day for help coming unto Christ, that I can stay true, that I can have my mind and my heart be more unified with God - at the same time, so the conflicted soul I am so used to can get a little break - and eventually not be part of me any more than a memory. It's quite the undertaking to help me become like Christ is, but He says He can, so I will continue on the path Christ has set me and trust in His infinite care.

(in other news - this is my 52nd post - pretending I posted only one per week it would be a year of me doing this - however, it looks like my first post was April 8th - so I must have double posted or something... still cool :)  )

Sick Day

So, today I stayed home from church sick. When I got up, I listened to Mormon Messages to somehow make up for missing church - my sister giving a talk and my mom teaching the Relief Society lesson - and still find the relief of the gospel that my heart is searching for.

Take a look over these videos whenever you need a spiritual feast. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdN8rfwW3SI&feature=share&list=PL4E784EC0770935C0

We can do all things through Christ - even hope, even find peace, and even find joy. Watching some of these videos brought tears to my eyes, the words profoundly what I was needing after a long, tiring weekend - and struggles with faith.

I can make a difference too - I'm not sure where my path is leading specifically, but I have great hope and belief that there is joy for me yet in this life and I can hope for the eternal future. I am so grateful for these videos. I should watch more than I do. They really help bring my stubborn heart back to Christ. I know they don't make up for missing the Sacrament, or my family's testimonies. However, I can still find joy and peace from the comfort of my bed while I wait out this brief sickness.

I haven't missed church in quite a long time due to illness and it is quite weird. My mom had to basically command me to stay at home today - she didn't but she directed me to make my own decision about what would be best.

Sometimes, I need to give up what I feel my roles are - what my responsibilities are, and just trust that taking a break, giving up my desires, will get me where I truly want to be.

He knows what and where I truly want to be and loves me enough to help me get there, especially when I don't realize it myself. I can be at peace today and I am happy, I am loving my life and my struggles (especially from a distance and refuge of my home). Things will work out and I can be happy.

March 3, 2013

I hate trying to come up with post titles for this blog - well, all blogs and emails - it's hard to figure out what it's all about. So, at least for this blog I use the date most often.

Not relevant.

Ok. Well, today was Fast Sunday - a day that I struggle with especially lately because my stomach's been uncooperative anyway. And, so it was Testimony Meeting today in Sacrament Meeting.

I wanted to bear my testimony and experiences here where I can organize and edit them.

I started today with a heavy heart. I haven't been feeling well, physically or emotionally for about a month, but for the past week or so I've been especially not feeling well. I've been beset by all sorts of different kinds of worry, and stress, and fear. And I was having a dreadfully hard time seeing through it, remembering all the things that would help me be at peace, and hearing the Spirit's healing voice.

Well, by the end of the church meetings today, I felt my burden be lifted, I felt at peace, and happy, even though nothing had changed. I still don't have answers, but I am doing better at letting them go. I have learned that for me, I will just have to keep letting things go, because I can remember to worry really easily, and holding on to the fear is quite simple for me to do. I am quite good at it. And so now, I need to learn to trust.

I know I have the best teacher, even the Son of God, the Savior of the World, who is guiding my life, and my heart, changing me for the better, so every part of me can come unto Him, and so I can help bring others to Him as well.

Ah, Today.

Usually I feel like I have something to say... today, I feel like I ought to, but am drawing a blank...

Well, I love the recent discussions on becoming / conversion, as well as talking about the priesthood and our places in the "vast eternal plan" and I am loving my time in my parents' ward, seeing what a family ward looks like, their real lives, struggles and triumphs, and yet I still feel separate from it somehow.

I'm in an odd mood today, I'm afraid. Yesterday I had a scary drive through Parley's Canyon in the middle of a white-out / snow storm. It was rather scary, to say the least and I've been left in a pondering sort of mood, not like a 'near death / meaning of life' sort, just kind of a quiet... something. I'm not sure. That's the mood.

Well, as I move forward on my life's journey, I find myself on the path of conversion. I know I have a testimony and am in the process of being converted. This is good. There are areas in which I am weak and I am comforted that this is how it should be. My life's details have yet to be sorted, but the plan is in place and the details will sort themselves out as I continue to move forward in faith.

Feb. 17, 2013

Ah, it is Sunday again. So many random topics have been on my mind lately and I am going to try and make sense of them here. This will probably be an awful essay in which the point is only made at the very end.

1: Genie in a Bottle 2: Humility and Friendship of the Spirit 3: JFK and hard realities and 4: Crock-pot Thinker

First: At church today someone - my mom - commented that she's sure glad God doesn't grant our wishes like a genie in a bottle. I love that thought. Because, as much as I think I know what I want and what is right, asking a genie and getting it is probably the last thing that I need. We always hear stories of people who thought they knew, asked, and the result was a nightmare. God does answer our prayers. He does bless us and "grant" us the righteous desires of our hearts. It is so nice to have that safety net there so we can trust Him to truly help our eternal selves get where we need to go.

Second: This quote was at the beginning of our lesson today about the Holy Ghost: "Make up your minds to live humbly and in such a way that you will always have the Spirit of the Lord to be your friend." Oh, I love that quote. Right now, my life is set up in such a way that I am separated from people physically. I am 30-40 minutes away from my college friends, 25-30 minutes from my last ward, I sit far away from everyone at work, and at home I live in the basement corner where no one else is close by. Now, obviously, I'm not really alone. It's just a different world than crammed in an apartment with people right next to you. I know that I have friends, but this was a tender reminder from God that I can always have a friend with me, and feel of His support and divine love to be with me always.

Third: I started reading a book about JFK. It was a wake up call on two fronts: first - I don't really know that much about history, my country's, the world's, or even my own. Second - I do not like JFK and I am deeply disappointed in how he led his life, and hurt that someone who seemed all together, who had a wonderful life, would be so inconsiderate and egocentric, and that his wife put up with it best she could, is just so hard for me to comprehend. Life is hard. There is so much going on in people's lives it can be hard to comprehend it all. It can be disheartening, but I know God's hands are in our lives and we can find His support and peace whenever we turn to Him.

Finally: I am a very slow thinker. I feel like a crock pot - God (or others) are most successful in convincing me of things when they tell me a long time in advance. There are times where I can be put "on high" and come up with a decision relatively quickly but even then - it takes awhile. There is so much going on and I feel like every day there are new factors to consider and truths I cannot comprehend. Yet, I know God lives and loves me, and somehow His Atonement heals my pain. Once I've made a decision, I stick by it, firm and true, so I suppose it is just another evidence of God knowing what He is doing by forcing me to take my time and learn patience. :)

That's what I learned and thought about at church today.

Conversion to What?

We've been talking a lot about conversion at church lately. The discussions have all been around how we have to have a testimony first and then act on it, and over our lifetime, we'll become converted.

Well, today in Sacrament Meeting, one of the speakers talked on conversion, the other talked about the love of God. So naturally, I put them together. We are converted to love. I feel that that is the purpose anyway. We are converted to people who naturally put others first - who think of them and truly want and then do help each other.

In my life right now, I am a little separated from all of my friends - except my family. It has been interesting to watch what happened with my friendships. Because not only did they stop reaching out to me, I stopped reaching out to them. I've observed this before, as have many before me. What was new to me this time was the idea that their lives literally go on just fine without me. The way I realized this was that my dad prayed for my brother on a mission, that he would have a good day and work hard. I just hadn't thought about it that way.

It's kind of like the child development principle of object permanence. At a certain age they understand the principle that if you hide a toy under a blanked, for example, it is still there. Well - I guess I just struggle to comprehend how everyone has individual lives, going on all the time independent of each others.

God wants us to remember Him and each other. We need to be converted to trusting and loving Him and remembering and serving each other. There is a lot of help in place to get us there, we just have to trust in His system and keep moving forward, and we'll get there.

Gratitude

Today was Fast Sunday, and I'd been struggling the past couple days because I don't have a "big" controllable goal to work towards - i.e., graduation, raising a family, etc. And so I keep trying to do the 'right' things, and it can be discouraging because I don't feel like I'm going anywhere. So, I was fasting along those lines today - and for most of the meetings today, I was incredibly bitter. I was surprised at myself, but I kept thinking about grumpy things, how my situation wasn't horrible but I was still 'neglected' and 'hurting.'

Well, eventually I was rehearsing all the good that I keep doing - and one of those things is that I write in a  gratitude journal each day. This habit started around Thanksgiving, after an amazing coaching/consulting session. I realized that where I was doing that I wasn't expressing it in my prayers. I wasn't focusing on being grateful, though I was finding little things to be grateful. So, today I am redetermined to be more grateful.

Also, listen to good music. Listen to songs that lift your soul and remind you to come back to Christ.

Jan. 27, 2013

Let me see - at church today we discussed a couple things: Home/visiting teaching, missionary work, how the Book of Mormon was found/translated, and the true meaning of charity.

I love that visiting teaching is something I've been called to do, and I love its impact on individuals' lives, especially in the eternal perspective. I find it is something I need to do better, but I am resolved that it truly reflects one's commitment to God. I know serving a full time mission is a big deal, but it seems just as much of a sacrifice, and a duty, to keep serving and lifting where you stand.

A lot of work and preparation went into bringing forth the Book of Mormon. I love that book. I love learning and discovering truth. And, life takes a lot of preparation, it takes discipline, and diligence. We may not be tasked with such a cause as Joseph Smith, but our roles are eternally significant.

Charity. Oh, how I am striving to develop it. It is such a beautiful balance, of the eternal worth of souls, sacrifice, and love. I've heard that the way you treat those closest to you is the truest reflection of your character. So, I am working on that as I am living at home. I have improved as I've gotten older - thank goodness - but there is a long way for me to go.

It is possible, and with the perfect, divine help of the Atonement, and sacrificing all I am, I'll get there. It is through serving, and lifting those around me, by diligently leading my life, and being obedient unto God, that I will get there.

I love learning from the Spirit, each week, and renewing my covenants with the Savior.

Perspective

So, I have been writing this blog for almost 10 months now. That's a pretty big deal. It has been incredibly helpful for me to have a little accountability to learn and to pay attention.

This week I've been 'conflicted' with various aspects of my life and at church today, and since then, I've had a lot on my mind about perspective.

Sacrament focused on seeing God's hand in your life, and to be honest, where I liked the two adult speakers, I felt that the 12 year old speaking had a message more for me. He talked about seeing God in the little things like the weather and in nature. We've been given a beautiful place to test us, and to help shape us to be more like God.

In Sunday School we talked about the First Vision, how God was able to get everything set up - and Relief Society we focused in on the miracles and importance of baptism. It was kind of a hard day for me. I've not been feeling very well, for about a month, and hearing about all these great stories of miracles of God's involvement, I was put down a little because I feel a little in the dark with my life and everything I believe.

Well, I came away with wanting to pay more attention to what God would have me learn. If I am where I am supposed to be, what should I be paying attention to? What areas in my life need to be improved, and how can I find joy when I feel alone, bored, and unmotivated.

Friday night I had decided to not let Saturday go away without doing a project. So, I forced myself to find something creative I could do. And, so I made a little chalk board for my friend's upcoming wedding. In the spirit of full disclosure, I am feeling left out of her wedding even though she tells me I get to be involved and she wants me to be a part of it. So, I am working on loving her anyway, and not freaking out that it isn't how I think it should be. In fact, I have to go finish it up right now.

I am more motivated to let go of the anxiety and trust God with my life. I am willing to at least look for alternatives to my idea of how my life should be going. And this is because of the Spirit I felt at church today.

Welcome to the Club

Today at church, I was reminded of a few tender lessons, that really helped me, especially after a hard day yesterday.

First, is that you can't stop at testimony, but let it convert you to Christ, and then, once you have been converted, you must turn outward and serve to truly purify your life and bless the lives of others.

Just keep trying - the Atonement helps perfect us, and it may take us awhile to get there but it is possible. I felt the Spirit say to me today: "I wouldn't sacrifice so much for nothing. You can become like Me - I will help you get there. Just keep going."

It is easy to look down at yourself and be discouraged. You're not 'good' enough? Welcome to the club. Believe Christ. He is there for you, He has promised to help even - and especially - you come back, to truly become Celestial through your mortal life and challenges.

Yesterday was a hard day for me. I was tired, not feeling good, and Satan was having fun with my thoughts and emotions. It is hard for me to be deliberate in my life. I want to be good, but I don't always want to put in the effort. Yesterday, Christ helped me find things I could put effort into, and things I could do to find joy with what is going on. It started with Him pointing out that if I did what I did, because of the Spirit, then it wasn't a mistake, even if it didn't have the outcome I wanted. I was to learn and become a better person because of it. My life isn't being wasted, but I do need to step up and start living again, not just as an excited spectator, but as a person diligently doing their part.

He helped my heart heal a little bit more, and I am more resolved to follow Him, to keep striving, and to believe Christ is My Savior.

Looong Week

This has been a very long week, with so many emotions. I've had my own life problems, worries, work stress, my immediate family struggles, and then my grandma passed away, life can be very hard.

Through it all, I have felt like even though it is hard, I knew I could keep going because of the Atonement. I don't know how - but I know I can. I have a lot to be grateful for, and being surrounded by family definitely reminded me of that. We are so loved, we can keep going.

I am also reminded that not everyone has the same testimony I do, and others who did, no longer do. It is easy to let life in a little too far, to think ourselves out of our testimonies, to take offense when none was meant. I've been attending my parents' ward while I sort out some issues of my last apartment conundrum, and sometimes I don't feel as if I belong, but I felt their love of my family, and how they watched over each other. It was lovely.

Hold on to those things in your life that help you have faith and hope for the future. Life will sort itself out after that.